In light the wake of Luis Suarez’s refusal to shake Patrice Evra’s hand at yesterday’s match, the inevitable twattish comments from Gordon Taylor (who apparently forgot Wayne Bridge snubbed John Terry’s handshake after he had his way with Bridge’s girlfriend) started flooding like a breach in the Panama Canal, and then Alex Ferguson has to have his tuppence worth, of course ignoring the fact that Rio Ferdinand snubbed Suarez’s handshake and yet he’s not a racist, probably because according to British society and predicate logic it states that it is mathematically impossible for a black man to be racist, I would like to know if I’m the only person here who has noticed the fact that if you don’t shake someone’s hand, it’s because you don’t like them. So without further ado there is my top seven people, dead or alive, of whom I would never shake their hands, not because I’m racist, but because I think they’re a tw*t!

7. Chris Eubank

This monocle wearing prat really irritates me. He was an alright boxer back in the day but since then he’s become a royal tool. As if prancing about with a monocle and a cane like he’s some part of the aristocracy isn’t odious enough, the pugilist also accidentally killed a building site worker when he was driving his car and not only showed utterly no remorse over this fact, he turned around and claimed that it didn’t matter because nobody would miss them. What a horrible little oik! There is no way you can morally say something like that! He probably wouldn’t shake my hand anyways, as I’m not famous therefore no one would miss me!

6. Any employee of Skillstrain

As I’ve mentioned in a previous article, the e-learning company Skillstrain managed to stiff me out of a couple of thousand pounds by promising me sufficient training so that I could get qualified with three Cisco Qualifications. Unfortunately this never actually materialised, with their system involving submission of assignments, and subsequently need a code with your results in order to carry on. However they don’t bother sending your results back, stifling any chance of moving on with the course. It’s theft at it’s very core. You can’t take money from someone for a service and not provide. They’re cunning I’ll give them that, because they trick people out of a lot of money every year.

5. Nick Griffin

The leader of the BNP doesn’t really need any more introduction other than cock eyed bigot. This guy who masks his real intentions to “reptriate” any immigrants if he ever came into power. Unfortunately due to the general laziness of the general public to actually get a job, instad opting for lamenting the fact that some immigrants are willing to do jobs which everyone else doesn’t want to, lots of people have jumped on the “all immigrants are bad for England” bandwagon, of which myself, of foreign ethnicity finds to be awful, and frankly disciminatory. Nick Griffin has managed to corral these simple minded boneheads and only manage to promote ethnic intolerance and hatred. Would I shake his hand? Erm no.

4. Robert Mugabe

Speaking of racial intolerance at home, abroad there is Robert Mugabe. Not only does this genocidal crankpot have a Hitler moustache, this crazy man will not stop until he’s driven every single caucasian out of Zimbabwe. Because of his leadership we’ve seen Zimbabwe descend into madness with an interest rate of  of 800% for 2011. Like Griffin, Mugabe promotes intolerance and discrimination, but being a lot more militant than Griffin is over here. “Our party must continue to strike fear in the heart of the white man, our real enemy!” cries Mugabe, friendly chap eh? Me not shaking his hand is not racsim on my part, but do you really want to share a friendly gesture with this guy?

3. “Sir” Alex Ferguson

The red faced despot for the red half of Manchester, Alex Ferguson has managed to ascend to becoming the Patron Saint of Hypocrisy over the last fifteen years. While I cannot argue with his long list of achievements as a footballing manager, his comments are outrageous and on a weekly basis either contradicts himself or controversially says things in the media which no other football manager would ever get away with. Not only has he got the F.A. terrified of him which allows his team to get away with blue murder, he’s got every single referee terrified by him which accounts for the alarming amount of Pro-ManU decisions which has completely augmented the English Premiership. He’s quick to criticise other teams’ conduct yet has managed a team of players who have created on their wives with prostitutes, had five year affairs with their brother’s wife, kicked a fan in the stands and admitted to attempt to end another players career by breaking their legs. I wouldn’t shake this guy’s hand as he’s a cancer of the English game with his insipid utterings week after week.

2. Heinrich Himmler

Hitler’s right hand man and commander of the Schutzstaffel and the Gestapo was a German military officer during the Second World War. He oversaw concentration camps, extermination camps and killing squads – he was a major force in what history has come to call the Holocaust (the mass murder of millions Jews as well as Roma, prisoners of war, Poles, communists, homosexuals, people with disabilities and other so-called “life unworthy for life”). “I am now referring to the evacuation of the Jews, to the extermination of the Jewish People. This is something that is easily said: ‘The Jewish People will be exterminated’, says every Party member, ‘this is very obvious, it is in our program — elimination of the Jews, extermination, a small matter.” If this is not abhorrent enough to be mainly responsible for the Holocaust, then I don’t know what is, this guy was a monster, a harbinger, and I would not shake this man’s hand if he were still alive today.

1. Patrice Evra

You can call me biased all you want, but I for one would never want to shake this man’s hand. Did I say man? I meant Pygmy girl. And that is not a racial slur, I am satirising this odious man’s diminutive stature. He’s a hypocrite, a play actor, a fabricator and worst of all,  a national traitor. Even before this whole furore started he was a disgusting individual with a track record of crying racism and abusing opposition players. It was funny how on Match of The Day they were condemning Suarez and saying how Evra’s kept his integrity, considering that he has amount as much integrity as Mordor has Jehovah’s Witnesses I find this whole thing ridiculous. Since there still is no evidence other than Evra’s word, and the whole country has thrown the book at him, yet to reiterate the fact that you cannot convict someone without any concrete evidence whatsoever and the word of one person is not sufficient enough, this situation is completely out of control and actually made worse because of the way it was handled by the F.A. and Evra’s ancillary embellishment of the actual incident. Evra needs to realise that he is not the only black player in the premiership and get that chip off his shoulder. His conduct is terrible and as an integritiless animal is allowed to get away with anything purely because he’s a Manchester United player, and if you disagree with him he’ll call you a racist. Evra wouldn’t know racism if I came up and shook his hand, since now not shaking someone’s hand is akin to leaving a burning cross on their lawn. I would not shake his hand if I met him, purely because he is a disgraceful human being who has made the whole racism issue worse from what started out as a little fib.