In the next generation consoles, we saw a shift away from the single player games we grew up playing on the 16-bit consoles, in favour of multiplayer games, but when you play on your own, the computer AI takes over the controls designed for another human to help you out. Some games maintained the single player focus but still insisted on having a AI controlled sidekick to help you out during the campaign. However, very often, the computer controlled player is as braindead as a washboard and you find yourself shouting not at the enemies killing you, but the gross infantile idiocy of your AI partner. Here are the top seven games whereby the AI or CPU are so mindnumbingly stupid, you’d be better off paying the local tramp to sit in your house and control Player Two to stop you from punching yourself in the face.

7. Tekken 6 (Xbox 360)

In campaign mode, by default you take control of Lars Alexandersson and you rescue the robotic lolita Alisa. Now this is one of the few modes of modern times going into 3D whereby we have had the closest thing to Streets of Rage. However as you fight through all the levels, Alisa gets more and more braindead. You can be surrounded by enemies onyl for the hapless nitwit to stand still and NOT HELP YOU. I mean come on, the whole point I understand is that you can get a co-op partner off Xbox Live, but if you’re playing alone, Alisa just gets in the way and when she does actually get involved in the action, takes a beating and you have to wade through swarms of enemies to revive to stupid bint. Plus she has a habit of floating over all the health pickups, boosting her own health, or most of the time collecting them when she already has full health, yet you’re within an inch of your life. It’s madness!

6. Sonic 2 (SEGA Mega Drive)

Everybody knows that I hate Tails. He pisses me off. What is he for a start? A double tailed fox? He probably has two asses, and I can quite safely say that he has his head up at least one of them at all times. Tails is a chronic liability when it comes to playing through the level, as he often aimlessly wanders into the enemies and bounces off the screen. Since that isn’t too much of an issue, it’s the bonus stage where he really pisses me off. You have to dodge bombs running down a runway and getting blown up will cost you precious rings and ultimately your chaos emerald. Well Tails seems to have a second lag on Sonic’s jump and goes piling into the bombs like fat kid on a tray of jelly beans. I suppose I should let him off as this is quite an old game now, but the frustration still lingers!

5. FIFA 09-11 (Xbox 360)

Now this may surprise a lot of people as to why I’ve selected the last few FIFA games for this top 7. Well it’s mainly because when you’re playing, the other players on your team make some terrible runs and abysmal decisions. It’s quite a common occurence that if you’re controlling a winger, bombing it down the flanks to get a cross in to your centre forward, only you can’t play the ball because the stupid centre forward is following you to the bye-line. Why on earth would a lone striker follow the winger to the corner of the pitch? Have you ever seen a striker pretty much man-mark his own winger when you’re attacking on the break? I first noticed this in FIFA 09 and it’s still around in the current iterations of FIFA, and it’s completely stupid. It’s nothing to do with me being crap at FIFA (for a change!) and I’m completely stumped as to why your supporting players deem it necessary to shadow you like you’re doing some kind of Red Arrows style display. Similarly using the option to get a second player to press the opposition player on the ball will cause the AI controlled defender to casually run behind the ball carrier, in the FIFA conga-line as I like to call it.  Complete nonsense!

4. Earth Defence Force 2017 (Xbox 360)

If there ever was a game with more expendable friendlies than this game I’d like to hear it! In this game, the AI on your side offer nothing but interference, good and bad. On the upside running away from the herded morons gives you a tiny chance as at least the ants/spiders will focus on them. However when they are in close proximity to you, they will follow you, usually to your detriment as they have an inane habit of managing to run front of you at point blank range just as you’re firing a rocket. Naturally the detonation being inches from your face tends to kill you meaning you have to restart the level, but the friendlies do this time and time again you’ll find yourself pulling your hair out at how stupid the fellow EDF soldiers are. Ah but do they ever help you out by getting in the tank, vegalta or helicopter? No. They’ll just run about in large pointless circles like Dill The Dog, shouting “follow the captain“. Dumbasses.

3. Vanquish (Xbox 360)

Speaking of fellow soldiers impeding your progress, SEGA’s Vanquish is probably worse. Whereas the EDF soldiers will just run about ironically like ants in complete disarray, the Bravo team members will run head first into mortal danger, firing off rounds like a bad Arnie movie leaving you unsupported and 90% of the time, ambushed and trapped in a corner without ammo or shield. Brilliant. Your fellow AI squad members also have a habit of being f*cking idiots by sticking their stupid heads always in your line of sight when you have the sniper rifle. The amount of times I have seen Lt. Burns just wander in front of a great position I had forged for myself to get some good shots in, and the fat prick just stands in between me and the enemy. This wouldn’t be so bad if the AI friendlies didn’t actually fire back. Seeing that they DO actually shoot back, and shoot back a lot, they don’t actually kill anything and you spend half the time trying to revive them as a result of their moronic tendency to attack from the front in no cover. This wouldn’t be such a problem had it not been for the difficulty of this game being so incredibly high (on hard that is) and makes it more of a challenge as you’re pretty much single handedly taking out the entire red army. Idiots.

2. Resident Evil 5 (Xbox 360)

Resident Evil 5 is designed to be a co-op game, Gears of War style, but where the game does fall down (exlcuding the ridiculous QTE sections) is when you play single player. The AI controlled co-op partner constantly runs into walls, dilly-dallies around when you’re trying to open a 2-person door and is about as accurate as sniping with a blunderbuss, in other words, completely useless. Like in EDF, the AI partner has a habit of wandering in front of bazooka rounds aimlessly, which on professional difficulty, will get you killed. Fast. Another failing of the AI partner is the decision making with weapons. You can assign them weapons in their inventory but they’ll never change the weapon they have readied. The amount of times I have given Sheva an automatic rifle and she’ll still insist on using the crappy pistol. What’s even worse is that if they pick up a health item, they’ll use an entire health spray if you’ve only taken one measly hit, thus draining your valuable healing items so you don’t have any when you really need them! Trying to do the QTE boss fight with an AI partner is about as successful as eating a granite worktop with dentures. What were they thinking?!

1. Left 4 Dead 1/2 (Xbox 360)

I honestly could not decide which is worse for stupid AI out of the to Left 4 Dead games so I’ve just selected both. The AI survivors are possibly the worst and most braindead bunch of nincompoops I have ever had the displeasure of playing with. Human players are a lottery online unless you’re playing with friends but the AI are just simply awful. They steal all the healthpacks and then decide to impede any swift escape by healing you when you’re surrounded by hordes of zombies, they NEVER use any of the thrown weapons like pipebombs and molotovs and worst of all, they really take their time helping you out if you’re incapacitated. The amount of times I have yelled at the screen because they’ve done something moronic I have honestly lost count. You can sit there taking mortal damage from being pounced by a hunter and as you helplessly pan the camera around to see where your help is, the stupid brainfart is just idly standing next to you. They also have a habit of walking into the Witch Zombie. Bearing in mind the witch zombie is a one hit kill on harder difficulties, this is just insane. Another huge failing is the fact that you cannot direct your fellow survivors, Ghost Recon style. When defending a position from an incoming horde, you hole yourself up in a room, strategically placed to pick off the zombies. Unfortunately the other three braindead idiots decide to folow you and stand behind you, instead of guarding the windows and doors to ensure you can’t get flanked. Then they run in front of you when you’re firing at a horde and have a go at you for friendly fire!? WTF?! This is very annoying. I get so mad when they do this that it’s just not worth playing. It’s like going for the Untouchables achievement on Left 4 Dead 1. This is nearly impossible with the AI as they always wander off and away from your strategic advantage and take a hit, costing you the achievement. The AI is bollocks and unfortuantely does totally ruin the single player experience for both games.