Synyster Graves

Rabit’s Top 7 Ways To Tell If You’re A Complete Dick

by on Feb.06, 2011, under The Top 7 of Everything

Have a read through the list below and if you are, or if you fall into any of the categories below, then you are most likely a complete dick and all your so called “friends” actually hate you.

7. Using Aussie Inflexion

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the Aussies, I visited their homeland when I was 17 and as soon as I get the cash together I’ll be going back. I loved every minute of being out there. What I’m talking about here is those people, usually some 16 year old with the IQ of a hamster who watches too much “The OC” and insists on ending every sentence with an inflection. I’m talking here about the inflection you normally use going up at the end of a sentence to imply that you’re asking a question. If you end every sentence with this inflection it means you’re implying that everything you say is a question and you sound like a complete tit.

The Aussies do this, hence it being called Australian Inflection, but for some reason they don’t sound stupid when they do, maybe it fits in their accent and we don’t really notice it. The Welsh seem to use this kind of inflection a lot of the time too and it just sounds plain silly. If a sentence is a question, you go ‘up’ at the end implying you’re asking a question. If the sentence is not a question you don’t go ‘up’ at the end or you sound like an idiot. Simple.

6. Self-Obsessed Mothers

This type of person is generally a mother out on her own with her kid and who thinks that they are God’s gift to humankind and that everyone else can wait / stop / turn around / get out their way, just because they have had a child. I’m talking about those mothers who think that the world revolves around them. The ones who thinks it’s acceptable to park their trolley across the whole isle in a supermarket, taking 20 minutes to decide which brand of fabric softener to buy, oblivious to the fact that a queue of people is backing up behind them. People who probably are in a rush as they only have 60 minutes for a lunch break and it takes 10 to get to the shop in the first place. And to top it off, if someone does move their trolley to get past, they will generally get a look of evil and pure hatred from said mother because they haven’t bowed down and kissed her feet and praised her for being in the way.

The type of mother who thinks it’s ok to park diagonally across two spaces “because I have a child”, but who will be the first to kick up a hellstorm when someone without a child parks in a ‘parent and baby’ spot.

Obviously it isn’t solely mothers out with their children who have this characteristic, however when out in town or in the supermarket in my experience about 95% or these people are air-headed mothers.

5. Cyclists or Lycra Cycleware

Cyclists can be more than just a pain in the arse. Too often I’ve been sat behind a group of dicks doing 8 miles an hour cycling side by side straddling the whole lane giving me no opportunity to overtake. What makes it worse is that they almost always have skin tight Lycra sucking round their skin in ways that can induce vomiting. “Oh but we’re environmentally friendly” these hippies protest. I have to completely disagree with that. If I’m sat behind you in 2nd gear doing 10 miles an hour for 10 miles, then I’ve used one hell of a lot more fuel than I would have driving at an appropriate speed. So you’ve put more CO2 into the atmosphere by hindering my journey. Not only that, but I’m the one who has to pay for that extra fuel consumption at the pumps. Knobs.

If you want to exercise then fine, I’m not some exercise fascist, but don’t hinder others while you’re doing it. If you want to chat to your mates as you exercise then join a gym, don’t take up the whole of the road doing 8 miles an hour causing queues like a caravan on a Cornish B road. I would put down good money that your bike and that hideous Lycra suit cost a lot more than a year’s subscription to a half decent gym.

4. Having Poor Online Gaming Etiquette

I’m an avid gamer, particularly of logging on to play games such as the Call of Duty series online. These games have a number of extremely fun team based arenas to flaunt your skills and have a good time with other players. However, there’s almost always some loner who comes online and has nothing better to do with their time than run around shooting their teammates in the back of the head. Really? Have you got that small a penis? And you obviously have no friends, so turn off your console / computer and just go sit on your chair facing the corner of the room. I’ll post you a Dunce hat if you’d like?

Another pet hate is the ‘early quitter’ or ‘bad loser’. This is synonymous in almost any game, but in particular Fifa or sports games, Rock Band challenges, or any FPS/TPS shooter with a 1 on 1 mode. If you are losing a match, be a man and take it on the chin. If you’re really angry about losing 56-0 to Plymouth Argyll then go away, practise, come back and re-challenge whoever beat you. Quitting as soon as you concede more than 1 goal, or as soon as you die 5 times is cheap, lazy, and very unsportsmanlike. If you can’t take losing, don’t play the game.

3. The Advertising Executive who thought up the ‘Go Compare’ adverts.

Enough said.


2. Not buying your round

This is for all those people that skimp out of buying a round of drinks when it comes to their turn at the pub. Slinking off to the loo until someone else buys; pleading poverty every time you go out; just plain lying that you bought the last round and it’s someone else’s turn; or any other excuse to get out of buying a round is just plain wrong. If you’re at the pub then you’re probably with friends and if you can’t stretch to buying them a drink then you should go home and never make contact with another human being for the rest of your life.

Going to the pub and buying your friends a drink is not only an easy way for everyone to get a drink at the same time, but it’s a British tradition and a great way to socialise and bond. By dodging your obligations to buy your round when it comes to your turn is not only cheap and scroogish, but you’re telling these people you’re out with that you don’t really have any respect for them and that you’re a complete knob. So if you are a ‘round dodger’ then mark my words: people notice. You’ll be labelled a dick and your “friends” will very quickly stop inviting you out: because they don’t really like you.

1. Owning a 4×4

4x4'sAnyone who owns an oversized 4×4 is a prize twat. If you are reading this and you own any of the monstrosities on the right, you should seriously consider driving your overpriced and understyled piece of junk over to Switzerland and taking up voluntary euthanasia as a hobby. You can then donate your 4×4 to the local car crusher merchant. That or give it to Top Gear to blow up.

“Why?” I hear you ask, well I’ve delved into this before, but in case you missed it: People who own 4x4s such as the offenders pictured to the right generally can’t drive. Acting like complete lunatics on the road with total disregard of other peoples safely. Usually safe in the knowledge that if they have an accident they won’t die, but completely oblivious to the fact that the person they hit most likely will die. Charming.

Just because you wasted £80,000 or more on a fantastically ugly waste of space doesn’t make you better than anyone else, and you should act accordingly. You are not the king / queen of the road, even if you do think you are entitled to such an accolade. Plus the last point also proves you’re an idiot spending so much money on something that’s uglier than Hitler’s, probably well used, sphincter.

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10 Comments for this entry

  • The Bear

    8: Your name is Cheryl Cole

    9: You are the Newcastle born singer of a girl band formed off a reality TV show in the early 2000s

    10: You are the newest judge on the X-Factor and will go on the American version if they can subtitle you

    These three things all make you a prize winning fuckwit.

  • Synyster Graves

    How about leaving Liverpool for £50million? That seems to be the biggest fuckwit at the moment!

  • Whyte Rabit

    lol yes, this list could have been a pretty long one, fortunately I was limited to just 7… it took some choosing though!

    Sadly, not being a Liverpool fan, Torres departure just sailed over my head. To be honest, I think “being a Premiership footballer” in general should probably get you on the list, 99% of them are complete arrogant cocks who need to be brought down a peg or two!

    p.s. when’s you’re birthday Bear? You’re going to be getting some Cherly Tweedy memorabilia ;o) lol … actually on second thoughts, it’s not even worth wasting money on anything to do with her even if it is for a joke…

  • Synyster Graves

    Well going along with Bear’s extended list, dressing like M.Bison should be number 11! Oh and Bear’s birthday is closer than you think!!

  • The Bear

    My birthday is actually tomorrow. If you are going to get me Cheryl Cole as a present can I request bbq sauce AND garlic and herb dips. Also, a side order of chips and sald garnish. And while we’re at it, a gag so I don’t have to hear he scream while I cook her.

  • Synyster Graves

    I am SO tempted to make a spit roast joke here but I’ll refrain…

  • Whyte Rabit

    Happy Birthday Bear! Sorry I wasn’t given enough warning to buy you a blow up Cheryl ;o)

  • The Ette

    Rabit I’m glad of that and bear you missed number 11 – your name is Fernando Torres

  • Whyte Rabit

    I’ll wait till next year ;o) and as for Torres, I’ve been hearing a lot of hatred… ironically from both the buying and selling teams’ fans! lol

  • The Ette

    Funny how he said he’d felt nothing but respect from Chelsea fans in the past…

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