Synyster Graves

Rabit’s Top 7 Ways to be a Retard in Business

by on Jun.25, 2011, under The Top 7 of Everything

Technically everyone is in business, unless you’re a dole dosser, in which case fuck you for stealing my money, I hope you die a horribly painful death real soon. But the retards I’m talking about here are people who are at management level or above in their line of business and have no clue on how to manage or even behave when it comes to doing business with others.

7. Working for Microsoft

Microsoft are the biggest bunch of wankers out there (excluding the Xbox crew), so if you work for Microsoft you are a retard by association. That is all.

6. Meeting Meeting Meeting


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In today’s day and age, meetings are all but totally useless. This goes for telephone/teleconference meetings too. Unless you run a big company where the higher powers-that-be all must debate the direction of a company, everything else can be done by email. It’s a lot quicker, a lot faster and you can get other stuff done while the old fart on the other end is thinking about his response. Had you been in a meeting, you’d have to sit there doing nothing for 5 minutes while he strokes his chin until it’s longer than Jimmy Hills, and eventually comes back with an answer, which you then must all debate: back to square one.

So if you’re a constant ‘meeting’ organiser, think about what you’re getting out of said meetings, and how you could streamline them into email conversations or have a chat over lunch if you are so desperate for human contact you can’t sit at your computer for more than 5 minutes without needing to strike up a conversation. A lot of work can get done in the time it takes getting to, sitting around in, and getting back from a meeting, and the more work gets done, the more money you make. It’s a no brainer if you ask me.

5. “Sit-Rep” “Sit-Rep”

About this much more since last time you fucking called me


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People, mainly managers or small business owners, who demand constant situation reports obviously can’t see past the end of their own noses when it comes to seeing the bigger picture. Yes, I’m doing the work for you, and yes you have a right, and the need, to know how far along a project is and what’s left to do. However, demanding a sit rep every hour or more is more of a hindrance than anything else.

I know you want to know every minor little detail about the project that is your baby, but seriously, even a 6 year old could work out that if you’re calling me up every 10 minutes for a 10 minute chat about where the project is and how far along we are, then the project is going to take twice as long to complete, and you’ll only have yourself to blame, even though it couldn’t possibly be your fault that deadlines are missed?

4. Conceitedness


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People who have a jumped up self-importance about them for absolutely no reason really annoy me. This carries over even worse into the business world where acting like you are “God’s gift” and you’re on some plain above everyone else as you look down at them really pisses people off. Talk down to your suppliers or give them the impression that you think you’re better than them, they’re just going to whack up their prices and you can forget about any discount.

Talk down to your staff and are they going to work hard for you? I doubt it. Similarly, talk down to your customers and they’re going to go elsewhere. It’s as simple as that. Business is about making money, but you can’t make money without building relationships, be it with suppliers, contractors, staff, customers, or whoever you meet in the day to day running’s of your business. You need to keep them all happy, and if you don’t you’re going to fail.

3. Late Payers


Image: Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now this was a good contender of the number one spot in this list, but I’ve been dealing with so many arseholes lately that it’s fallen to number 3. I’m taking here about small business, a small business has a small cash flow, and the difference between being paid immediately or after 6 months can have a really negative effect on the business.

It’s generally small businesses who are guilty of this too, which beggars belief because surely they’ve had the same issues. In fact I’ve talked to people who have had this same problem with creditors in the past, and then they go and default on their invoices too. Are they really that thick, that they think they can rant about not being paid on time when they were staring up their business, and then not pay their bills on time now?

This reeks of double standards or complete retardation, either case you’re a complete cock. Plus it comes down to good business practice and generally being polite… which brings me to my next point:

2. Unnecessary Rudeness


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Now this extends to an awful lot of arrogant business people, and I don’t know why. There’s no need to be rude for no reason (see Graves’ rant on this behaviour in general), and more to the point: it doesn’t get you anywhere either. If you’re rude to me for absolutely no reason, am I going to try to help you? No. I’ll either tell you to fuck off or, if I don’t, your work is definitely going to the bottom of the pile, when it’s there I’ll do anything before I help you out, even if you’re paying me to.

So not only have you pissed me off, and made what might have been a really good day into a bad one, or a bad day into a slightly worse one for me, but you’ve also shot yourself in the foot because that “thing” which is so urgent it needed to be done yesterday, and I’m the only person who can do it for you… won’t be getting done for at least a week. Let’s hope this causes your business to lose a shit stack of money and maybe then you’ll learn your lesson. It doesn’t take much to be polite. Even if you’re in a bad mood there’s no reason to take it out on someone else.

1. Phone Hogs


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These are the people who can’t do anything without a 60 minute phone call. You have email, you may even have Skype or a similar instant messaging system, why not use it? Especially when what you have to say doesn’t even need input from the other party. Calling me up and wittering down the phone while you “look for that bit of paper” for 10 minutes, or even go fetch a cup of coffee is fucking ridiculous.

You can’t call someone up for an hour a day and fill it with mostly “ummm”s and “aaahhh”s as you try to remember what you wanted to say and then kick up a fuss when your bill is twice what it should have been because you’ve been billed for the hours wasted by your own incompetence.

99.9% of the time they could have wasted an hour of their time on their own umm’ing and aaahh’ing over an email while they worked out what they wanted to say, the recipient could have read it in under 60 seconds and actioned it in about the same amount of time. There you go: 2 minutes vs 60. And these people call themselves managers? In business time = money, and I’m not wasting mine if you’re too thick to understand the concept of productivity.

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