Synyster’s Top 7 Ways of Inhumanely Dealing With Looters
by SynRaptor on Aug.28, 2011, under The Top 7 of Everything
As a law abiding citizen (hard to believe I know), I was incensed by the recent activity erupting first in North London, before it spread everywhere including Birmingham, Liverpool and Manchester. Cities were on fire, yobs littered the streets smashing high street windows with reckless abandon before plundering wares as they left arm in arm with looted goods. This sickened me seeing that the vast majority of the feral chavs were probably under the legal age of prosecution, and the one’s who did have the gall to be interviewed claimed that they were doing to because they get no respect, totally devoid of the concept that respect needs to be earned. With waves upon waves of chavs filling the streets, it was like a brutal and uncontrollable amalgamation of the barabarians from the beginning of Gladiator and N-Dubz. So throwing humility and frankly human rights out the window here are my top seven ways that the looters and rioters should have been dealt with.
7. Implement a Liquid Nitrogen Cannon
I saw on the news droves of delinquents in the streets, throwing assorted detritus at the riot police and refusing to get off the streets and back inside. While the government refused to sanction live ammunition to quell the uprising, sub-zero Nitrogen is not classified as ammunition. With it’s influence directly lying in Terminator’s encounter with T1000, anyone who shows their reluctance to get off the street would be greeted by a blast of −210 °C jets, freezing them permanently where they stand, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You want to be in the streets so badly? Well you got your wish.
6. Tattoo Groucho Marx Glasses and Moustache on their Faces
Similar to the way that they carved the swastika on the foreheads in Inglorious Bastards, all convicted looters should have something ridiculous tattooed on their faces to ensure that they forever and always at a distance are identified as one of those disrespectful pricks who brought the UK into total disrepute. But why Groucho Marx I hear you say? Well could you take someone seriously wearing those novelty glasses? And then think if it was permanently attached to your face. A lifetime of humiliation? Yeah that sounds about right.
5. Use Bullets Containing Expanding Foam
Whereby my previous suggestion did not use “live” ammunition, this solution clearly has a fear factor attached. Putting expanding foam in bullets fired will begin to expand once embedded in flesh, causing the victim to explode from within, Fist of The North Star style. The sheer horror of seeing someone rioting next to you to explode into airbourne viscera should be horrifying enough to make anyone who thinks they should smash in the windows of someone’s livelihood or home think again as the punishment for anyone who does results in your body tearing itself apart. Disgusting and inhumane I agree, but so is such anarchical anti-social behaviour.
4. Drop them in an active volcano and see how much they want to riot
As destruction and general anarchy seems to be the order of the day with these people with no modicum of negotiation in sight, I suggest they witness first hand nature’s destructive wrath to hopefully eclipse their own destructive tendencies. What I am referring to is a volcanic eruption. Putting the rioters in a central shaft of a volcano and getting to witness first hand the true destructive force would be a justification for all the livelihoods and homes they wrecked without a moment’s thought. Just think about all the innocent people who will then have to rebuild their lives just because a horde of iconoclastic teenagers thought it would be prudent to create a wave of utter annihilation, well a wall of molten lava is nature’s wave of destruction and we’ll see how they fare when up against tonnes upon tonnes of the viscous lithosphere.
3. Blend them, cook them into a fine stew, and feed them to the famine victims in Somalia
While is disorder is going on did you know there has been a famine in Somalia? Thousands upon thousands of people have died from starvation nor have enough energy to look after themselves yet over here in the UK we have hundreds of hooligans lining the streets, smashing the place up and abusing the police. Well surely it’s about one rioter to feed about 5-10 Somalians isn’t it? Well firstly you need to round them up, put them all into a larger blender to dice the meat adequately, and then proceed to stew them on the way to the humanitarian aid centres in neighbouring Kenya. These people are suffering and their families are dying and what are the spirited youth of the UK doing? Rampaging because “they get no respect”. Give me a break. When you behave like animals, you deserve to be treated like animals. So round them up into an abattoir and help out some unfortunate people in the world.
2. Use them as fossil fuels
This has always been a more long term solution to the “chav” problem. As there are people out there who are more than content to do nothing with their lives and are perfectly happy to scrounge off the state (and appear perpetually on Jeremy Kyle). As we are clearly running out of necessary fossil fuels and these rioters clearly being what can only be described as “oxygen thieves”, perhaps the only solution is to use them to power the homes that they have tried so hard to destroy. Perhaps it’s like a null sense of irony but the only positive input these delinquents can provide is through fuel, then at least in the end they can provide a positive output to today’s society instead of the poisonous and denegrading input that they currently do.
1. One way ticket to North Korea
In all these interviews I’ve seen with the rioters attempting to justify their actions, like that stupid girl who claimed that no one gives them any respect and ultimately how shit this country is, then all the people rioting should be rounded up and deported to the region inbetween the borders of North and South Korea. You want to know what it’s like having no respect? Try having the armies open fire on you out of sheer intolerance. How about living in a society like North Korea whereby you can’t have such luxuries such as free speech and liberation. Would you be able to slander the country on the news? No. You would be told what to think or be sentenced to hard labour. That is truly what it’s like the state has no respect for you. The hard working citizens of this country pay the taxes towards those who don’t want to work yet have the gall to riot. So dump them in North Korea, then they can truly know how hard life can be. I don’t think you’ll be throwing bricks at Kim Jong-Il’s house now will you? We’ll see how “disrespected” you are now.
August 29th, 2011 on 2:37 pm
lol @ “oxygen thieves”. I think fire should have been fought with fire, I do like the live ammunition with expanding foam, and the nitrogen cannon… as one of my friends commented while it was happening:
“I hope that water cannons are used tonight in brum if there is more rioting. The only way I want to see a window smashed is by a chav being fired through it at 2000 psi!”
If they were under fear of death after the first night, they wouldn’t have come out again the following night, so I think #7 and #5 should have definitely been used during, and in the aftermath #6 implemented while waiting to carry out the instructions in #2. Problem solved.
I would also pay good money to go to a live shooting gallery where the chavs are pinned up against the wall and paying punters are given a gun of their choice (ranging from cross bow, through pistols and rifles, to flame throwers), and they get the opportunity to take pot shots to injure or kill the hapless inbreds. Especially effective if they find the dole dosser who burnt down someones home and let the innocent home owner have first go on the chav pro bono. If they have a moral issue with this, I’ll gladly do it for them… free of charge again, of course.
August 29th, 2011 on 2:46 pm
Hmm, personally I think your suggestions are a touch on the expensive side! Let’s not forget these chavs have already cost the UK and all its proper decent citizens (i.e. the taxpayers, non dole dossers, pensioners etc) millions of pounds and will continue to do so until their grubby little fingers can’t sign on the dotted line for the free money anymore. So how about getting the holidaymakers of Her Majesty’s Prison to get knocking up good old fashion stocks (just like back in the good old medieval times) and then take the dirty little feral chavs and place each of them in one, ensuring of course they are in the proper position, trousers down, mouth jammed open and a sign above stating ‘free glory holes for all’. That way we cure several problems with one chav, free sex service for all the vile sex offenders and perverts (freeing up the parks for the kids and reducing numbers in Her Majesty’s holiday resorts) and stopping the feral ones from looting and signing on to get more free money. Plus they will get a free lesson in what ‘getting no respect’ really feels like.
September 7th, 2011 on 4:21 pm
Oh goody! You have covered most the bases here but these is one outlet you have neglected and that is live TV!
Think about it, the X-Factor has now started and hence that means that TV will be poorer as a result, especially with Big Brother returning to our screens. We need a game show with big money sponsors to re-coup the cost of the damage done as Coneja Negra has already noted.
So we expand the Big Brother house to something the size of a football stadium. Better yet, use Old Trafford (Man U can play their games at the local park, denying them revenue and hence killing two birds with one stone). You can have ‘evictions’ twice a day. The person with the fewest votes is pitted against the person with the next fewest votes only the that person is allowed to choose a weapon such as a butter knife or another blunt instrument. Mortal combat ensues and the loser is fed to the other prisoners. Then the audience gets another vote where they decide whether or not the the victor lives or is also fed to the other survivors.
Meanwhile, we give the prisoners tasks such as fighting, seeing how much menthanol they can drink before they pass out with the first to pass out or go blind losing and the others being granted exemption from eviction for a couple of days.
You could also introduce ‘double handicap’ fights where (for example) one combatant is blindfolded and the other has their hands bound. Again, the loser is killed and the winner is granted a reprieve for a few days.
Other tasks could involve being taken to a safari park to shave the lions…before feeding time. If they survive, they are exempt from eviction for the next week.
You could introduce a high jump…without a mat, first one to be unable to climb back up due to their injuries loses and the others are exempt from eviction for a day or two.
September 7th, 2011 on 5:02 pm
I like it! You could also turn it into a carnival event too. Get the public involved… instead of ‘throw the wet sponge at the whoever’ you normally get at carnivals, you could introduce ‘toss the live grenade at the spongers’?
September 8th, 2011 on 10:02 pm
If you’re creating a Carnival of Pain, may I suggest nail guns (à la Quake), moving laser grids (like in the Resident Evil film) and Reverse Bear Traps from the Saw films.
I still like the expanding foam idea.
September 9th, 2011 on 1:31 am
oh yes! now you’re talking, I’d pay good money to watch that! the government is definitely missing a trick here.
September 9th, 2011 on 4:02 pm
How about ‘Pin the dynamite stick on the chav’? The shooting gallery can be used with bullets with expanding foam.
Then of course we can have bobbing for apples except that they have to bob their heads in sulfuric acid and the apples have razor blades.
Then you could have a tight rope with a pool of piranha instead of a safety net. This also could bring in lucrative deals from Paddy Power and other betting shops – think of the thrill of betting on whether the chavs live or die.
Instead of guessing how many sweets are in a jar, you could guess how many chavs are in a giant blender which is then turned on at the end.
And of course the old favourites like a raffle/tombola could be spiced up by having the ‘winning’ tickets coresponding to a chav who would then be shot.
September 9th, 2011 on 6:48 pm
haha, yes, love the idea of going up to a fair ground shooting gallery that has guns loaded with Synyster’s expanding foam bullets!!
Obviously we don’t bend the barrels or sights like pikey fair ground owners normally do, we want more hits on target than misses!
And of course, at the end of each day any dead bodies that haven’t been blended, blown into tiny pieces, or dissolved by acid can be then thrown on the fossil fuel truck which goes direct to the nearest power station.
And we forgot to mention that number 6 in the list would have to be implemented just in case a chav escaped, so they can be easily recognised and rounded up again.