Throughout my tenure of playing video games, there are always characters who really get on my nerves, almost to the point of having airborne control pads. So here is a list (in no particular order) of characters obviously designed to piss me off!

7. Otacon/Hal Emmerich (Metal Gear Solid)

Otacon was the scientist you meet in the first Metal Gear Solid game and becomes one of your main contacts in your PDA as you go through the level. The similarities to James Spader in Stargate are astounding and he also manages the same level of annoyance. He’s another character who phones you up incessantly to bore you to death to scientific mumbo jumbo and does also seem to develop a bit of a man-crush on Snake. You can see this clearly in one of the ending as they both ride off into the sunset on a snow mobile like a scene from an arctic version of Brokeback Mountain, presumably to find a small church for a civil ceremony. He’s a recurring character so be prepared to be annoyed by him for several games yet.

6. Emil (Nier)

I don’t think it’s possible for a Japanese RPG game to not have an androgynous, wimpy teenager in its cast list but Emil takes the cake. You first meet him as blindfolded aristocrat who turns people to stone with a proper glare from his eyes, similar to Cyclops from X-Men but without the Laser eyes. And then he merges with his sister (cue incest joke) and turns into a floating mage who looks like Jack Skellington. Not only does this not make sense but he then spends the rest of the game crying, although Skeletons are not known for their ability to cry since they are devoid of tear glands. Emil remains as the annoying soppy sidekick and you’d rather have Snarf from Thundercats following you about rather than this spineless child.

5. Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)

Ashley is the President’s daughter of whom as Leon S. Kennedy you are sent in to retrieve and protect. The problem is that she’s a typical brattish American girl who strops the whole time even though you are doing your utmost to ensure her safety. Not only do you spend half the game escorting the twat out of the cult’s lair, she is also completely braindead and you spend more time telling her to hide and stay concealed rather that fight off the endless waves of enemies trying to kill her. It would be so much easier (and shorter) if you just strangled her as soon as you see her.

4. Miles “Tails” Prower (Sonic 2)

Right I know kids and nostalgic adults will be up in arms over this selection but I got seriously annoyed if I forgot to set the settings in Sonic 2 to “Sonic only”. He’s a bloody liability when it came to the bonus round as there was a delay between you and him when jumping and the daft rodent always managed to get blitzed by the bombs, costing you about 25 rings per fuck up. In level he always managed to get himself killed on a regular basis before flying in from the sky in the event of his demise to annoy you further. Plus if he could fly, then why didn’t he just pick Sonic up and carry him to the end of the level? And what’s up with having two tails, that’s just odd, plus it makes you wonder if he flies with his tails how he gets his forward propulsion…

3. Claptrap (Borderlands)

Seriously does this fucking thing ever shut up? Claptrap is an autonomous robot who serves as your guide as you loot your way through Pandora in Borderlands. The thing is this feckin’ motormouth does not stop talking as if someone managed to fit Alan Carr and Jar-Jar Binks into a toaster with wheels. The stupid bugger hops about the screen spurting out incoherent nonsense and you can’t even shoot the frigging thing to shut it up! Yes it gives you missions, but please keep quiet when I’m trying to defend the village from a rampaging gang of bandits! I was so glad when the Revolution DLC came out for this so I could finally shoot the annoying little bastards!

2. Otis (Dead Rising)

Otis is the janitor in Willamette Shopping Mall when the zombies attacked in Dead Rising. He watches all of Frank’s exploits through the security monitors and gives you a walkie-talkie to guide you through the mall as safely as possible and alerts you locations of survivors in each area. However, that’s in theory. In practice he always seems to phone you in the most inopportune moment, like when you’re fighting off a massive horde of undead and in your attempts to fend them off, you accidentally hit the cancel button on the speaker. This will then prompt Otis to phone you back and castigate you for hanging up claiming its rude. This is particularly fucking annoying as this happens throughout the entire game!

1. Florian Kravic (Grand Theft Auto 4)

Probably the gayest character in the history of video games, Florian Kravic is so over the top homosexual I’m sure he has managed to single-handedly created a generation of homophobes just wanting to put their foot through their HD TVs. Ever since you’re introduced to him mid-game, he clearly exhibits some requited bum-love for Niko and it’s also quite annoying how you can’t shoot him in the throat to make him shut up for two seconds. When he’s not mincing around the screen like if Gok Wan was set alight, he’s cowering in the corner like a frightened moth. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t despise him because he’s gay, I hate him because he’s far too annoying to hang around with for about 2 hours worth of missions, and you CAN’T KILL HIM! I would have shot him in the first 5 minutes!