Why I started learning magic…

For those of you who know me, picking up magic at the age of 35 must have been seen as an odd choice, especially since I am usually synonymous with some form of video game console. But then my life changed forever; for the better, I became a father. But despite all the ante-natal classes and you can read all the baby books from here to Babylon, nothing ever prepares you for the baby arriving very early, I’m not going into details but it was pretty traumatic. Traumatic events have a horrid way of sneaking back in your consciousness, rather than just sitting back to haunt you in your sleep. I started having panic attacks; consisting of sweats, near blackouts and shakes. What brought it on? I didn’t think I was good enough anymore. Not good enough at work, and not good enough as a father. Of course I have no basis for these self-accusations other than the demons which now occupied my head space. I had separation anxiety from my family and being outside their proximity for an extended length of time caused this downward spiral of panic. I had an overnight stay for work a few months after coming back and I can safely say it was one of the worst nights of my life. The trigger for my anxiety is self-doubt, and being told “You’re not good enough” or “You’re not at that level we expect” only exacerbated the issues in my head, which were already spiralling out of control on a daily basis. But the fault lied with me for the sole reason, I never talked to anyone about it and while I realise it now, the damage was done.

I realised that the lack of sleep was probably the primary cause for this silliness, but I always had such issue falling asleep. I needed something which didn’t involve a screen and I don’t really do books, and then one day I discovered a card magic tutorial. I became intrigued. I started watching more and more during my night vigils, buying decks of playing cards and practising over and over again trying to emulate what I was seeing on the screen. It was around the February of last year when I became obsessed with watch Chris Ramsay. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s a really big deal on YouTube and the magic community and his material really struck a chord with me. Through him, I also discovered other amazing magicians teaching their craft online like Daniel Madison, Alex Pandrea, Xavior Spade. These guys are my new heroes.

I bought magic books, I had an extensive card collection by June already and I started filming myself just to see what it looked like. My wife was so supportive over this new hobby which was manifesting and I felt confident in what I was learning, I’ve never managed to apply myself to learning something so quickly. Suddenly “you’re not good enough” was turning into “Wow! Look what you can do!”. I can perform things I’ve seen and have been baffled and fooled by since I was a child. I can do things I didn’t realise were possible. I had a new confidence in something I had zero idea about twelve months before. I took a pack of cards to my cousin’s wedding, and busted out some card tricks to some total strangers as well as family. It felt amazing! It’s given me a new outlook whereby instead of dwelling on the words of people who are constantly trying to drag out down and throw you under the bus, focus on the things which make you special, which make you more unique than before. This is what learning magic has gifted me.

Last October I launched by YouTube channel. I now felt confident enough that I could handle being judged by strangers on the internet. Although I know the internet is a toxic hive of keyboard warriors constantly trying to out-do each other but I didn’t seek anyone anonymous’ appraisal, I was doing this for me, I was doing this so I can see how far I’ve come.

Roll forward a year, I am promoting my material on YouTube still. I am slowly gaining confidence to ignore all those idiots who try and make me feel inept and worthless, and I am ****ing enjoying practising magic.

I am Liam, and I am NOT a magician, yet. Thank you for reading.