I want to aim my anger today at public toilets. I hate them. I really hate them with a passion. It’s never a nice thing to do especially if its a number 2 and you’re not at home. They always say you can’t beat your own bed. Well the same can be said about your toilet. At least with your toilet you know exactly how clean it is, public toilets however you have no idea! The worst ones are the ones on a high street or in a shopping centre. I remember being in the shopping centre in Birkenhead and you had to PAY to go to the toilet!? I was like WTF! I was bursting for a piss and I think it just made it harder rifling through my trousers looking for a 20p piece! And it had to be a 20p piece, two 10p pieces weren’t good enough. Part of me just wanted to piss all over the turnstile because I don’t believe you can charge someone for an involuntary bodily action. What next, air tax? Considering that we don’t live on Mars in Total Recall, that’s an abuse one’s human rights surely.

Another idiosyncracy which irritates me about public toilets is the huge gap under the door of a cubicle. What fucking purpose does that serve? Surely the Engaged/Vacant switch on the door will suffice, I don’t want total strangers visually scrutinising my boxer shorts as I’m having a shit. I suppose the only point of mirth in the whole situation is occasionally the graffiti is amusing. The toilet paper they provide is nothing short of pathetic. It’s like the paper they use for overhead projectors. And it doesn’t wipe your arse, it just spreads it about assuming you don’t manage to stick your fingers through the bloody paper!

While the premise is hygenic, infra-red sensors on toilets are awful. They always seem to get set off as you sit down and end up with some kind of nasty anal douche which gives you one hell of a shock!

As a man, urinals aren’t much better. Especially when people talk to you when you’re trying to take a slash. What a time to make conversation! Just fuck off! It’s just as bad as when somebody comes next to you and there’s plenty of spare ones in the room. Nothing screams peeping gaylord more than that. Iv’e been asked for directions before whilst using a urinal. Why? Even if I did know what ropey part of town they wanted to get to, I’m hardly going to provide succinct directions involving pointing am I? Or would they prefer I drew a diagram with my own piss?

Toilet attendants, surely the worst job in the world. You go out to a club and you finish up and wash your hands, before you get acosted by Makimbe from Eritrea who’s trying to coat you in some kind of garish cologne and then has the audacity to ask for a tip. Did I ask for that? And do you seriously think I went on a night out without aftershave on? But asking me for money when I never asked him to spray me with stuff is a bit much. Am I entitled to punch him and ask for payment from receiving a right hook from me?

And finally, hand dryers are usually rubbish. Yes Dyson seem to have quite a decent model now but most places the dryer is pathetic, you’d get your hands drier by having an asthmatic mongoose breathe on them.

Still, toilets in this country are better than the ones in Hong Kong, they’re just holes in the floor. No toilet, no cistern just a hole. Never could quite work out how to have a shit without ditching in your own trousers.