With the rumours circulating of the impending Transformers 3 film coming out, I would like to voice my concern over this potential debacle. The first Transformers film could only be described as “ok” as yes it did include Optimus Prime and yes Peter Cullen did the voice for him like in the original series but the whole film was inherently flawed. Why they couldn’t stick the actual storyline from the cartoon series is anyone’s guess and it’s another director who totally rewrites the entire culture of their money spinning edition of the franchise. The original storyline of the Generation 1 Transformers would have led to awesome CGI scenes, battles straight from the off and immediate immersion into the clash between Megatron and Optimus Prime. Instead in the first film we got an awful and arduous soliloquy from Shia LeBoeuf in a pathetic attempt for comic relief by ebaying his grandfather’s glasses.

CGI and graphics wise I cannot criticise the Transformers series, but if anything it actually gets completely over the top by the second film and I have no idea what was happening when there a billions of faceless decepticons and it was nigh on impossible to differentiate between them.

This is how Devastator should look, not like a bastard ape with a Dyson for a face!

Whereas the first film wasn’t too bad, although Michael Bay completely invented the “All Spark”, which was never in the original series yet it’s pivotal to the universe in his films, the second film took that stupidity, chopped it up, deep fat fried it and shat out a whole host of fucking nonsense. I wasted about 3 hours of my life watching this shit and towards the last half, I nearly lost my temper. The Constructicons were my favourite as a kid because they all merged together to form Devastator, and he was uber cool. However in this version, they decided to turn him into a giant gorilla with a vacuum mouth thing. I’m sorry, but that was just completely shit. They could have done SO much with that and they gimped out and made Devastator a joke.

The product placement is also completely out of control. Changing Bumblebee from being a Volkwagen Beetle to a Chevrolet Camaro will just incur contempt. Yes the original series was in the 1980s but there are modern day equivalents to the orignal cars. Personally I feel they have missed a trick here. For example in the film Sideswipe was Chevrolet Corvette Stingray. Seeing how he was a Lamborghini Countach, why didn#t they make him into a Gallardo or a Murcielago? It’s a hugely missed opportunity if you ask me. But it’s little mistakes like that which will grate on the fans most. The fact that Ratchet wasn’t even a bloody Ambulance is almost criminal. How can you get that wrong?

Skids and Mudflap were simply terrible, and was a prime example of Bay pissing on the fans

But the shittiness of the second film doesn’t end there and again I have no problem with ruining what happens in this pile of dogshite. The twins for example. Oh my god, how irritating are they? I don’t know if they’re supposed to be some kind of Southern states stereotypical inbred brothers whose parents were siblings/from Portsmouth or why they had to have so much screen time? I think Jar Jar Binks or Russell Brand are less irritating than these two dickheads. They’re not funny in the slightest and this was probably the only way that Bay was trying to appeal to the younger viewers, by inserting two doofuses for kids to be entertained by their hapless follies. However, this backfires for me because they’re just too stupid and fucking annoying. What was Bay thinking? I have never wanted to see a Transformer die so badly ever and to be honest I was so disappointed to see the end of the film and neither one of those retards had met their demise.

Why on earth did Bay think it was a good idea to have a flying Optimus Prime. Seriously get lost!

But it gets stupider. When they introduce Jetfire into the film, he’s some old ageing war veteran compared to the inquisitive scientist he was in the cartoon. I’m pretty sure he actually a pacifist in the cartoon too! But what gets stupidly ridiculous is that he “gives his parts” to Prime and then Prime can fly. WTF!?! What is he now? A sodding Gundam? Gundam Prime? Give me a break, that’s just complete shite. And while we’re on the subject of the Primes, what the fuck is up with the Egyptian Autobots?? The Tomb of The Primes is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in a film especially as there was NOTHING in the original series about an ancient civilisation like the Egyptians having anything to do with it! And all this precognitive visions and ethymology is just stupid and inconsistent.

But it begs the question, has Michael Bay and his merry band of crap film writers ever watched Transformers? On the basis of the two films I’m going to say no. But even if you’ve never watched every original episode like I have, why run off and make your own version and say it’s completely based on the original series when simply that’s not true. Certianly with Revenge of The Fallen, it’s not that it’s a bad version, it’s a complete misinterpretation of the original concept. It’s like having all the characters from CSI doing a Riverdance, the characters may be right, but it’s completely out of context.

I can actually sit here and rant on about Transformers longer but the crux of the matter is that Michael has taken one of my strongest childhood influences, mashed it up badly and spat it out to take home a hefty paycheck. The problem when you grab hold of a franchise with a huge fan base, you have to keep the fans happy, because they essentially are you target demographic. Alienating the real fans by bastardising the series will just make you more enemies than friends. Michael Bay has RUINED a childhood franchise of mine beyond repair. He took something established as a quality story and transformed it ironically into a circus of shit.

Michael Bay should get signal.