Synyster Graves

World Cup Candidate: Cuba

by on Dec.13, 2010, under Angry Rants

Blepp Splatter’s crusade finds our quest in the Caribbean this time with another bid from an unlikely country…
We would like you to consider us as a potential host for the Fifa World Cup. As we have never hosted one previously, or even qualified for one, we would benefit enormously from the impact such a tournament would have on our country. And what a country it is. Renowned throughout the World for our cigars and way of life, we are Cuba.

First of all, tickets will be really cheap which will delight fans across the World – after all, we only earn about $20 per month! Imagine what a ticket would cost! This will also help us to build all the World Class stadia we need. The cheap labour will make this possible and when we have finished, we will have great legacy. Our athletes will be drawn from our amateur boxers, but having viewed footballers such as Eric Cantona, David Prutton, Vinnie Jones, Roy Keane and Lee Bowyer, it does not seem that the transition will be difficult.

We already have excellent accommodation for teams and fans alike which used to house nuclear missile silos for destruction of the USA. Now fully furnished with all mod cons and virtually no trace of enriched uranium.

Transportation to Cuba is easy, as we can be reached via boat, raft or even strong swimming from Florida with minimal ballistic interference from the FBI. Once ashore, after paying immigration the visa fee of 20 Marlboro (or nearest equivalent), transportation can easily be arranged via our network of ‘Yank Tanks’; classic American vehicles from 1950s which only occasionally have to be powered by horse when they break down. Payment to the drivers is easy as they will accept local currency, the Peso, the Euro, even the US Dollar (if they don’t mind the risk of being shot) and always, the good old Marlboro.

Our enormous military should be able to ensure law and order during the tournament. Luckily they will not have to enforce stupid laws such as no smoking in stadia. Our finest, Cuban cigars are the best in the world and will be smoked everywhere, even by players if they wish. Food is also delicious with meat often available on the ration book. We do of course plan to roast a pig before each match and serve this to spectators. Rest assured, that all teams who pledge allegiance to the glorious Castro will be given suitable nutrition to not pass out due to lack of food.

We do hope you consider us as World Cup candidate for North America as we look to be the first Caribbean country to stage the tournament.

Signed under no threat of being shot in the head whatsoever

The citizens of Cuba, loyal supporters of Castro.


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