Self Righteous Chavicide
by SynRaptor on Sep.03, 2010, under Angry Rants
Tonight I had the misfortune of watching Eden Lake, and while the film has quite possibly the worst ending I have ever seen it has reinforced a very strong notion inside of me, I fucking hate chavs.
It’s not only that they really absolute scum, and it’s not just the fact that they’re everywhere, it’s the fact that in today’s society they’re like second generation chavs. Shit parents breeding more iconoclastic little shits, who in turn are creating more little shots from the breeding ground of single mothers, financed by we the taxpayer.
You can argue that Eden Lake is a masterclass in cinematography in order to incite such a reaction from myself, well I probably would agree if it wasn’t for such a terrible ending which left me hating the pikey bastards more than usual. I even popped outside my flat for some fresh air only to see two chavs on bicycles and I was slightly compelled to run after them and beat the crap out of them. Plus they all seem to carry some kind of knife these days. Seriously does that make you a tough guy then? That you can threaten unarmed people. And when do you see chavs acting tough on their own? No they’re always in some kind of illegitimately conceived wolf pack unable to spell GCSE between about twenty of them.
Harry Brown is great film by contrast because the cunts actually get some kind of come-uppance in the film which you the viewer feel some kind of voyeuristic retribution for. But the saddest thing about both these films is that it is based on some kind of reality. Alas yes, they exist. At least in The Hills Have Eyes they’re some kind of inbreeding/genetic experiment gone wrong so you have some degree of escapism. Whereas in England we can’t have some kind of test subjects, we have a begging line out of the job centre.
So what would I do if I ruled the world? Execute the lot of them and use them as fossil fuel. I do concur that that may be a slightly nazi opinion of a genuine problem but it would solve several problems. There would be no food shortage as we would have altered the population through attrition. Secondly all this knife crime and general violent crime would be reduced. You always here on the news how “gangs of youths in hoodies” are hanging around street corners spitting and being generally abusive to the public. Whereas in my utopia, you would have armed squads in black vans liberally patrolling and beating the shit out of these hoodlums without any prior warning. And then drag them off to a “cleansing” facility, also known as a large furnance. Alternatively we could operate a Darwinistic approach to this by digging a 30 mile pit and throwing them in there. The ones who manage to get out is considered natural selection.
Screening would be simple, just put on a free N-Dubz gig and anyone who turns up would be tried as a chav and used as fuel. And that’s another thing, when I see people like N-Dubz it encourages people to aspire to be like them. No! We don’t want a bunch of chavs encouraging other people to be chavs. Granted the Jeremy Kyle show would be boring but I’m willing to make that sacrifice. Plus seeing N-Dubz makes me angry from the perspective that people with apocalyptically bad vocabulary earn more in one week than I can in a year.
Now that I have realised I have revealed my plans for my fourth Reich I will leave you with this thought, how much better would Britain be without the chavs. Fuel for your home would cost less and the more you leave your TV on, you know more reprobates have been incinerated to bring you that comfort.
September 3rd, 2010 on 2:12 pm
I’ll vote you in!
September 3rd, 2010 on 7:44 pm
Sounds like a splendid idea, especially the lure of the Jeremy Kyle show.
We could take over the Jeremy Kyle show and have actors loyal to ‘the cause’ fill in for all the applicants – who would of course be executed as chavs for wanting to go on the show. We could then put out an advert at the end of each show promsing a free crate of Stella, a voucher for Burberry, a set of sovreign jewelery and some N-Dubz for all participants in the show. Then we sit back, load our guns and wait for the applications to flood in. Then we just shoot the lot of them (or else dispose of them in a more amusing way).
As for the patrols of cars to beat up the gangs of braindead chavs on street corners, I suggest some sort of ‘acid gun’ mounted on the car to enable us to burn them to death.
And so for the chavs on the bus? Again, a bus full of actors who are in fact heavily armed death squads. All normal, tax-paying, non Burberry people would be denied entry to this bus which would then drive round collecting chavs. Then, at the required time, they could simply unleash their stun guns, paralyse the chavs who would then be dropped off at the ‘bus depot’ (fossil fuel burning facility).
May I propose your nomination as dictator?
September 3rd, 2010 on 10:01 pm
Bear and Rabit, thank you for your growing support. You both will have a place in my cabinet!
But I pose a question for both of you. what alternative way would you suggest is dispose of these bastards?
September 6th, 2010 on 5:50 pm
There is something to be said for harvesting methane from human faeces for fuel. We could keep them in a factory, crapping away and using that fuel. Then when they die we can use their carcasses as fuel. Any gold jewelery can be melted down and re-used. Their clothes can be sold on at a profit.
Some would have to be drafted in for ‘entertainment’: By which I mean of course shooting, hanging, burning or beating them as we see fit on days where 5 O’Clock just seems a long way off.
September 7th, 2010 on 4:06 pm
I propose some kind of “Death Race” / “Running Man” competition to keep the general population amused.
Other chavs can be taken round the country to be used as anger management systems. What I mean by this is tie them up in the street and let anyone have a go at them. Bring your baseball bat or golf club to the venue if you wish.
The rest are surplus to requirement for entertainment and should be used as fuel.
As a result of the lack of chavs in and around the country, the dole system could be abolished for anyone unemployed for over 6 months. With the reduction in working chavs there will be a lot more job opportunities so finding some sort of job won’t be hard, and with all the money saved on housing benefit and social security from the non-working chavs we could filter that back into my wallet (if I’m going to be a politician, I’m damn well going to abuse my power… that’s the done thing don’t you know).
September 7th, 2010 on 4:53 pm
Plus Whyte Rabbit, think of the job opportunities created by the Running Man scheme and the Anger Management scheme; You will need hosts, minders, camera crews. And then you have increased production of golf clubs and baseball bats which will help revive our manufacturing sector.
September 9th, 2010 on 3:00 pm
You could offer a goverment sponsered scheme. Trade in a Chav’s head for £50 or their still beating heart for £100.
A modified robot wars, house robots vs. the chavs. Add a competition from 1st idea to allow normal tax paying citizens the opportunity to drive one of the robots.
Escape from chav island. 1 island, an appropriate number of chavs, a huge explosive device, 1 count down timer. How many can escape? Then have Apache Longbow’s there to take out any that do.
That or lace McDonald’s burgers with a chemical steraliser and let time deal with the issue itself. It would be 100% effective but would take years
September 9th, 2010 on 7:38 pm
I like the idea of the Robot Wars but we can do all this for a much lower price. We could just pit them against each other armed with ‘chav weapons’; bottles of Stella, a Burberry whip, a snooker ball in a sock etc. Just as funny and a lot cheaper.
September 10th, 2010 on 4:25 am
Yes, I totally agree with the “chav”-attle Royale (Battle Royale for those more inept at reading puns) idea. That’s inspired and should be made law.
Stick them on an Island somewhere in the middle of no-where, if we don’t already own an isolated island we can buy one with all the chav Argos gold we’ve melted down (or just “take” one off France knowing they won’t fight back) and host our own “The Condemned” style battle. Perfect; we would make more money than from all the cubic zirconia rings we’d ever repossess.
And Bear, I know a number of people that would jump at the opportunity to become game-keepers in a Running Man scheme!
I also like your “Chavs for Gold” scheme Azazel Shadows, I’ve always thought the concept of “outlaws” was an excellent idea for the greater public good, and vigilantes should be encouraged.
The robot wars idea however is inspired. There could be levels of progression until the final. The first level the chav is bound and gagged so very easy to cull. The proceeding levels the chav would have more freedom and less shackles allowing them to fight back to some extent making the fight a little harder for the executioner. Excellent TV viewing!
I think we’re gradually coming up with a good manifesto for the next election.
September 19th, 2010 on 3:54 am
We could have a whole channel dedicated to these and other programmes… think of it “chav tv”
We could have a Tekeshi’s Castle style game were are the mud pits are in fact pools of boiling liquid (enough to induce death or serious injury whilst the body can still be harvested for fuel)
Next we could recreate Gladiators with a twist. Pugil sticks for duel being given only to the gladiators and they are really 2 by 4s with nails in them. Hang tough takes on a whole new meaning and the eliminator instantly becomes alot more fun.
I think we need to also have some quiz shows in the mix. Chavs battling it out for survival. Think Anne Robinson on the weakest link but when a contestant is eliminated instead of doing the walk of shame their platform disappears and they fall into a pit of crocodiles.
All for our viewing pleasure! This would FINALLY make the licence fee worthwhile!
Ette
September 22nd, 2010 on 9:18 pm
I think a Darwinesque “Gauntlet of Death” would be an appropriate chav screening method, possibly using an appearance on Jeremy Kyle or an N-Dubz concert as a lure…
Consider the automatic car washes, these could easily be adapted so that instead of rolling brushes and hot wax it’s blades, cyanide and sulphuric acid that great the contestants…
September 22nd, 2010 on 9:20 pm
Ok, I can spell really… I meant “greet” the contestants…