Synyster Graves

Why are big mini cheddars horrid?

by on Feb.11, 2011, under Theories and Science

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but the big varieties of Mini Cheddars are rubbish! I suppose they’re just called cheddars, but anyways. Mini Cheddars are a decent snack, me personally not being a fan of cheese and chesse related snacks. For example, I hate Wotsits. Urgh it’s just a bag of maize offcuts flavoured like old socks. Cheetos, Tangy Cheese Doritos and Quavers can take a hike too!

But Mini Cheddars are ok. They’re not too strong and they’re fine if you get a bag with your pint, or if you’re watching TV. A great alternative to eating crisps. However, if you buy a packet of Cheddars, which are about the same size as a packet of rich tea biscuits except it tastes like crap! And they stink, yet Mini Cheddars don’t.

By why is it? I was talking with a friend of mine earlier on this subject and it’s got me thinking. Obviously Mini Cheddars and Cheddars are produced in the same factory aren’t they? Which means they will entail the same ingredients surely? Let’s assume in the name of science that yes they do have the same ingredients and genesis, what is the only difference left? The size.

A mini cheddar will have an approximate diameter of 3cm, giving it a surface area of the top side, of 7.07cm2

A cheddar however has an approximate diameter of 7.5cm, giving it a surface area of 44.18cm2

Consider how much synthetic cheese dust they will apply on this per biscuit then. A mini cheddar will fit in your mouth whole, unless you have mumps or some kind of glandular fever. A cheddar however probably won’t unless you have a mouth the size of Steve Tyler from Aerosmith. Therefore in order to eat a cheddar you will have to bite it, or rather hold it with your teeth and break it off. Thus the synthetic cheese particles become airbourne and easily inhaled due to the proximity between your mouth and nostrils. Therefore you get a hit of the nasty cheese powder in a minute dosage which in volume may seem negligible, but in reality causes you to feel perturbed as a result.

Lets assume that the distance between your mouth and nose are roughly 3cm depending on how ugly you are. 

Biting half a biscuit will catapult about 22cm2 worth of cheese dust in the air. As a volume this will be 132.54cm3 in the vicinity of your nostrils.

This is disgusting.

Hypothesis: Cheddars are less desirable than mini cheddars because of their larger circumference.

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