You know how the song “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” essentially would be like a 365 day drug binge, well I was thinking it would be more fucked up if Japanese horror films were the precedent for everyday life. The Japanese certainly have a je ne sai quoi when it comes to horror films as they’re really quite different from horror films which come from America for example. American horror films largely rely on sudden “boo” moments which make you temporarily jump but that’s about it, although occasionally they have a deep, in depth storyline which makes you think.

The Japanese on the other hand seem to follow a different tangent and spiral in more directions than a compass in a magnet factory and usually have such tenuous storylines you question if you were indeed scared in the first place, or just confused to fuck.

So yeah if everyday life was a japanese horror…

…everybody would turn around very slowly

Have you noticed in JapHorror how the sound of a creaking or spooky noise is usually met by a rotation to rival the speed of a glacier to see what was behind them, while incorporating the manga stare! By the time you’d managed to turn 180 degrees, 90% of the time there’s nothing there and about 3 weeks had passed anyways.

…every murdered child would have to have their terrible revenge

I don’t know what it is with JapHorror to have a (usually illegitimate or adopted) child either drowned, stabbed or asphyxiated and their body “never found”, but the vengeful spirit of the child will then exact some kind of GENOCIDE in their path to lay out clues so that some totally unrelated (and pretty much unfortunate) bystander, who ends up finding their body through a breadcrumb trail which usually leaves most of their loved ones six feet under too. It always seems rather indiscriminate as to who faces their wrath as clearly everyone is to blame even if it was just one sicko who was responsible for their demise. I guess that’s why they’re children! And why do the cops never seem to check large water retaining urban receptacles?  They’ll probably have a better account of all the missing children in their paperwork.

…there would be hair EVERYWHERE

Again, I’ve never seen the necessity to populate entire rooms with hair if its haunted. Western films tend to depict hauntings with unorthodox noises and bizarre occurrences like moving furniture, yet JapHorror seems to have rooms filling up like an ant’s perspective of a hair dresser’s floor. Sod wearing masks to stop pollution, the best tool of survival is a comb and a bottle of Head & Shoulders. It’s almost as if the scourge of Japan wasn’t actually Godzilla, Mothra or any other giant monster, but in fact was Crystal Gayle.

…80% of trees have some form of “danger” written on them

For some unknown reason, spooky areas of forest instead of having an eerie mist descending to create an atmosphere, JapHorror seem fond of sticking katakana messages saying danger or something of that ilk on every tree in a forest written on toilet paper. It’s as if there a canvassing campaign for the Japanese Danger party and the polling station is in a remote campsite.

…dead people turn into pandas

Another observation I’ve noticed with JapHorror films is that anyone undead seems to acquire large black rings around their eyes as if there was a giant fancy dress party and the theme was Jerry Only from The Misfits. It’s almost as if all antagonists from beyond the grave have been caught by the ink blotter on the binoculars trick.

…deaths caused from falling off large buildings are always supernatural

Why is it that its only apartments over four stories which have a kind of haunting in them? And why is it that on revealing the spirit, the unfortunate owner of said property is usually propelled out the window to fall to their doom? I mean if this was real life, any flat on the fourth floor and above would have to include an exorcist in the solicitor services before procuring any property.

…nobody believes in ghosts right until the point where it nearly kills you

I suppose this trait is uniform to all horror films, not just Japanese ones that everyone else is in denial that the place could be haunted, right up until the angry spirit leaps out of somewhere and kills them in the face. Why? You could have lived longer if you just had an open mind!

…every woman looks like Park Ji-Sung

Seriously. Not my cup of tea. The world would be a very ugly place. Or very gay I suppose. He’s a good footballer, but I wouldn’t want a girl friend looking like that. No I’m not being racist by saying all orientals look alike, I’m just saying that the majority of women in JapHorror have a busby haircut.