Synyster Graves

The Supermarket Spatial Awareness Vortex

by on Jun.04, 2010, under Theories and Science

Why is it as soon as anyone comes in the vicinity of any supermarket, be it Tesco, Sainsburys, Morrisons, etc does their sense of spatial awareness deteriorate to the point of being completely annoying and stupid. It’s the same with anything as everyone is in such a rush and for some unknown reason priorities get rather skewed and people seem to adopt a rather shire-horse blinkered approach to something simple like taking something off a shelf and putting it in a basket!

Alternatively, spatially inept people use a shopping trolley, of which they usually manage to manoeuvre with the poise of a 17-stone ballerina doing the Sugar Plum Fairy on a bowling alley. For fuck sake all four wheels turn, if you stand in the middle of the trolley and turn it, it has the turning circle of nothing, as opposed to the rather unnecessary swinging turning circle from the push bar which seems to rotate in a wider area than Belgium. Plus have you noticed that if someone hits you with their trolley they glare at you as if you kicked a cat in the face in front of them?

Another gripe of mine is slightly less moving people ALWAYS walk abreast in an aisle, prohibiting any possibility of overtaking? I mean come on, we don’t need a lateral convoy of slow people congesting the centre aisle do we? No, get the fuck out of the way! Plus this situation is only exacerbated by the half wits who decide to park their trolley in the main aisle and fuck off down a side one. Would you park your car in the motorway to go to the service station? No, fuck off!

It seems that spatial awareness is not the only bi-product of entering a supermarket, general illiteracy also rather rife. For example why is there always someone who has about a months worth of shopping always queuing in the “5 Items or Less” queue. Can’t you fucking read? Plus why is it that all the RETARDS always use the self checkout and after they’ve broken it because their stupidity has leaked into the till in front of them it takes the attendant about half an hour to re-examine the goods before swiping a reset bar code, why didn’t they do that in the first place so that they keep going!  Plus when you go to use it you get some prick standing so close behind you you’re becoming gradually self-conscious that the impatient prick is trying to swap trousers with you by standing so close. Spatial awareness fails.

So you’ve got your shopping and you’re trying to get to your car, of course that’s not easy because firstly the car park has descended into demolition derby as the mad rush for vacant spots becomes an epic battle akin to storming the fucking Bastille, but there’s people parking diagonally because they’re too lazy to utilise the reverse gear, and then you get perfectly able people parking in disabled or Mother/Baby parking spots because they’re too fat to open the door fully so they use a spot which has more spatial allowance.

So in conclusion, I’m sure there is a scientific reason as to why the vast majority of the population become fucking stupid when entering the grounds of a large retailer. It’s like how a churchyard is consecrated ground and therefore holy, the grounds of a supermarket saps humanity, intelligence and consideration from the average citizen.

Hypothesis: People become stupid when they enter within 200 metres of a Supermarket

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2 Comments for this entry

  • Alex Hall

    Or worse, the parent and child bays are meant for people with young children. NOT for a white van driver with a teenage daughter who is just a sellfish prick!

  • Ette

    what’s worse is the idiots who bring badly behaved children, who use the oppotunity to scream shout and throw temper tantrums. If your child can’t behave dont take them shopping. I want to do my shopping as quickly as possible. I dont want a screaming four year old throwing baked beans down the isle.
    Parents CONTROL your brats. If you cant stop your child throwing tins around, I reseve the right to throw the tin BACK at your child.

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