Today I’m not writing about a film, but about film etiquette. Have you ever watched a film with a ‘talker’? I mean people who incessantly natter throughout a whole film, usually hogging the air waves during the most important plot changing monologues which if you miss what was said means that the rest of the film makes no sense at all. Inevitably the fact that the ‘talker’ missed any one plot revelation means that they will be constantly asking throughout the rest of the film ‘who is he again?’, ‘what’s his job?’, ‘why is she there?’ type questions. Well if you’d been listening like the rest of us and not nattering away, you’d know that he told us that 5 minutes ago. Now shut up and stop bothering me, I’m trying to actually watch the film. A lot of things piss me off, but this… this has to be right up there!

Luckily I avoid the cinema nowadays which means I miss the fantastically selfish antics of the plebs that I used to have to suffer in cinemas when I used to frequent them. However, recently I was watching a film, one of my favourite comedies, with some friends and one of them insisted on making a conversation over every line that was said during the whole film.

“I’m off to the supermarket, do you want anything?” says one of the cast.

“Oh, I went to Morrison’s the other day and…” starts the person sitting next to me.

… for the love God! I don’t care that you met your primary school teacher/old best mate/person you hate/Bill fucking Oddy yesterday. I’ve been with you all day, you could have told me that earlier. Or tell me later, I don’t care, but please tell me your story any time that’s not now!

As I mentioned above, the most infuriating thing about these situations is that the person who can’t keep their mouth shut or has a listening deficiency will inevitably talk over an important point in the movie and then incessantly ask about said point throughout the rest of the film. I can’t stand stupidity, but I can’t stand self inflicted stupidity even more. If you’re too short sighted to realise that actually listening to the movie is a good idea then I’m not going to miss out on my enjoyment of the film by filling you in on bits you’re too thick to take on in the first place.

Grrr!

So to anyone who thinks they might be a ‘talker’ or even anyone who knows that they’ve nattered throughout even one film in the history of their lives: Don’t do it again. If you’re not sure if you should say something, just keep your mouth shut. Please. For the rest of us and our sanity. There are of course moments when it’s ok to talk during a movie and I’ll include some examples below;

“Would you like another drink?”;

“Oh my God there’s a giant monster in the room knawing on my foot.”

That’s about it.

The odd “what’s that’s actors/actresses name?” or “what was he/she in last?” questions are fine as long as it’s a one liner question with a one liner answer, and also during a point where there is no talking in the movie. Other than that: keep your God-damn mouth shut. If you follow this simple rule, I promise you the following; you’ll understand the plot in 100% more movies than you used to; and you’ll enjoy movies much much more than you used to.