It about time I’ve got off my chest about this recent resurgence of gay vampires in the last few years. Now I know they’re not supposed to be “gay” per se and while I’m not some violent homophobe, I just have to express my dismay at the frequency at which these events have occurred.

Now personally I have always loved classic vampire culture, from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (yes shock horror I’ve actually read a book!) to all the classic vampire films through the ages. From Max Shreck portraying Graf Orlok in the 1922 film Nosferatu  to Tom Cruise’s portrayal of Anne Rice’s creation Lestat in Interview With a Vampire, vampires have always maintained that cool factor about them. There’s something compelling about the way that they’ve always been eloquent and almost aristocratic in some films like the elders in the Blade and Underworld films respectively, in the latter the lesser vampires were like soldiers and were skilled in firearms and combat, which is pretty cool. Even when they’re not supposed to be all ancient and secretive like in The Lost Boys, there was something inherently awesome about living forever and drinking blood.

Even when aimed at the lucrative teenage market, starting with the 1992 film of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with Kirsty Swanson and the seven series’ for TV with Sarah Michelle Gellar, antagonistic characters like Spike had a good mix of cool and evil about them. Granted that as the series went on the storyline deteriorated and got more tenuous but nonetheless it was enjoyable. Ok so I didn’t really watch the spin-off of Angel because in my head 45 minute episodes would consume too much of my life to only watch Charisma Carpenter, but hey the PS2 wasn’t going to play itself!

But in recent times, especially with this sudden uprising of the Twilight saga, vampires have turned (excuse the pun) overnight from undead, evil killing machines to mincy metrosexual teenagers. The entire folklore which has surrounded the legacy and mythology has been turned on it’s head in favour of cutesy West Side Story-esque verse tailored for 14 year old girls. I’ve always wanted to be a vampire but seeing what they have become now, I want swiftly distance myself from such stupidity. The main gripe of this is the whole combination of vampires and direct sunlight. Now as we all know, direct sunlight will KILL a vampire. Direct contact with any part of bare flesh will cause a spontaneous combustion causing the creature to burst into raging hellfire and subsequently decease. Somehow that has been chopped up into many small pieces and thrown in a concentration camp of tumble dryers to come out of the other side to become vampires in direct sunlight glisten as if someone has ejaculated on their face. How vampires have suddenly become solar powered kaleidoscopes is anyone’s guess but the worst thing about it that people buy into it! Now normally I wouldn’t care as everyone is entitled to their own tastes but the only reason I’m kicking off about it that it’s EVERYWHERE!

It upsets me now that the term “vampire” brings up more connotations akin to Dale Winton rather than Dracula but if that’s the sign of the times, then what next? Are the stereotypical emo-esque mopey closet gays going to feature as werewolves, mummies and dare I say…zombies?!? Hmm there’s a thought, have you ever seen a gay zombie?

What next, turning someone into a vampire no longer requires the drinking of blood, instead replaced by vampire spaff in your eyeballs? It’s going to get worse, what people don’t realise is that the more people tell me like Twilight, the more I’m going to hate it, and I already hate it! I like my vampires to be evil and calculating, not stroking wild ponies in a misty forest like something out a Creed music video. Enough is enough.

Is a queer vampire a CAMPire? (insert lol) Hmm…jury’s out.