Right let me put it out there loud and clear….I FUCKING HATE BIG BROTHER!! Seriously I thought this shit was over! I thought this year for the first time during my adult life I can actually watch Everybody Loves Raymond  and Frasier in the morning instead of a pack of emotionless dullards living in a live freak show. And this has happened every summer for the last ten years, that’s ten years of the summer holidays being polluted with fucking nonsense! There’s absoultely nothing entertaining about it at all! It just makes me so angry that all the great programs which I watch on Channel 4 are replaced by this shite! In the evenings at stupid o’clock in the morning there usually is a good film on, but instead it would be just watchingsomeone sleep. How the FUCK is that interesting? Plus every year it’s EXACTLY the same format, there’s nothing diverse at all about it, 15 cunts go in and the public hate them all so they come out one by one. And this lasts for about 3 FUCKING MONTHS! It’s all under the pretence of sociology they claim, which of course is a lie because the only people who watch this trash are the same ‘tards who read Heat magazine and other assorted bollocks. What sort of Reich do we live in that makes us watch this shit all day every day on Channel 4? Every paper I read for the next 3 months will have some sort of crap about it and I’ll pretty much have to boycott Channel 4 until August.

So how could they actually make it accessible to say, I dunno, everybody else? Simple. Take away their human rights.

If people want to be famous so badly for such pathetic reasons then they should be subjected to various forms of torture, or possibly a lethal gauntlet would make it entertaining, you know a bit like in Running Man. I mean if they want to put mirrors in the house, why not make the entire house mirrored so you couldn’t gauge distance at all, a bit like the labyrinth in Enter The Dragon. Furthermore blasting the housemates with intermittent white noise and see who descends into madness first would also be more TV worthy than seeing a bunch of lazy tax dodgers loafing around a house. I would rather see someone descend into insanity rather than earn more money than me by being a lazy prick on National television. The whole live cameras everywhere should be used for a decent reason, like building the house over a graveyard or even better, haunted ground where loads of people died together so that anything paranormal could actually be recorded for science plus there would be humans in there to invoke the spirits.

Another thing they always try and introduce in the housemates is a schism between them and its usually petty and born straight out of stupidity like introducing scenarios where they will argue. Surely the best way of introducing a schism would be based on simplistic survival? For example pumping a deadly nerve gas into the house and only one of them has the antidote? Quite frankly what I’m leaning towards is that the show should borrow the format from Battle Royale and that way instead of voting someone out, it’s based on animal instinct rather than showmanship. Plus if the producers really wanted people to fuck on tv, why not spike the water supply with aphrodisiacs and viagra? Or preferably the Rage virus from 28 Days Later. Dead Set got it right, throw a load of flesh eating zombies in the house and watch it go to hell!

Alternatively stop fucking about and have the walls close in, in 5 inch increments every five minutes and they have to find a way out or get crushed to death Saw-style, or various parts of the house become ignited on random intervals and all they get is a 2 second warning to get out of the area. Yeah, that’s more like it. Anyone trying to jump the fence like in previous years will do so in front of a guard tower with a highly trained soldier armed with a mounted M60 and is at liberty to gun them down on site. But sticking with the closing walls arguement, the battle for survival would mount and only the strong will survive as the weakest will be crushed to oblivion just as Darwin predicted, well sort of, but certainly the strong would survive! But then again, it’d be better is no one had a chance to survive so we watched them making their time.

Or we can take cues from Face/Off and have them wearing magnetic boots on a magnetic floor which locks down on random intervals, at which point they should let a hungry tiger enter the house, ok so that last point wasn’t in Face/Off but it’s certainly something I’d watch! All of this sounds a more tantalising prospect that sitting in a house watching people sit in a house. At least if they’re doing nothing, watching their demise as the meal of a famished tiger would be better than a bunch of people sitting on their arses eating toast and all the dialogue replaced by cricket noises. At lease there’s nothing contraversial about the screams of panic and pain when the tiger snaps them in half after being rooted to the ground with magnetic boots. Plus there’s no animal rightsto moan about as the tiger’s getting a good feed!

I’m sure there’s better/funnier ideas out there but all I can say is I’ll be glad when this bollocks finally gets off the TV because quite frankly it’s terrible and needs to be stopped once and for all. How many of us have collectively got together and said we hate it? Surely we’re the majority and majority rules. Kill them all! That way I could stand watching George Lamb’s gurning mug as he reviews the recent deaths to take place in the Big Brother Execution House.

Any further ideas for live carnage on Channel 4 are welcomed below…