** Disclaimer: This rant includes spoilers so I strongly suggest that if you do actually want to watch this film and attempt to enjoy it by all means but you should probably stop reading this article. This is not designed to ruin everyone else’s enjoyment, but stops them wasting hours of their lives on films I perceived to being a bit poo. While I may not discuss the entire plot, there will be elements whereby any attempt to create a facade by the film will be shattered. You have been warned! **

Fuck, shit, poo, bollocks, piss flaps, arse cakes. These are some of the words I would use to describe how I feel about this film. When a friend suggested that we see this film I agreed as I’d heard that this was the most talked about classic horror film which was gaining cult status. What I did actually see was the biggest waste of two hours in my life and I am in utter contempt that I’m never going to get that back. I’m pretty sure the majority of people wanted to see this film because of the rumours that you see someone eat some shit, we you won’t be disappointed, but it’s hardly a robust selling point, watching a woman eat faeces. If I want to see someone eat some shit for sustainance, I’ll go down to Portsmouth thank you very much.

Why it’s crap

Dr Heiter: worst doctor ever

But what I saw was the biggest pile of crap I think I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. From start to finish the camerawork was shaky, giving me unnecessary motion sickness but mainly the storyline was so fucking stupid I wanted to tear my own eyes out. Firstly, the girls in the movie are inconcievably thick. Lacking the typical common sense like more horror movie fodder they break down in the middle of the woods and stumble across the only house for miles which happens to be an insane German surgeon. After the obligatory rohypnol induced kidnapping we find the girls strapped to gurneys with the poppy eyed nutjob explaining how he wants to create a being which is joined by the digestive tract. The fact that this has to be explained with drawings reminiscent of jelly babies so even the most unintelligent of audiences can comprehend is almost insulting for anyone who can actually understand how their body works by making it sounds as simple as having a linear vector of digestion.

Stupidest film concept EVER

Firstly. Even someone who may have skimmed over GCSE Biology can identify the enormous loophole in the science here. While Dr Heiter claims that, via his crude and almost childish drawings and engrish synopsis, a sentient being can be created by grafting three people together, mouth to anus, thus linking them via the digestive tract. How the fuck can someone who must have gone to medical school, think that this is a tangible outcome? Faeces, shit, crap, turd, call it what you will is what your body is ejecting, because it is not needed and by large parts, is toxic. Feeding parts 2 and 3 with shit and recycled shit for the latter is essentially poisoning them. How anyone out there who received this script and thought it was a good idea should be shot in the face. For a start, german pornography aside, the mere concept of devouring a dookie is disgusting.

Secondly since when have you seen a being which had three brains, three hearts, three stomachs, three livers and the cumulative length of the London Marathon for a start. No other living being actually has multiple brains capable of thought throughout it’s body which will attempt to independent from each part. Maybe a worm, but that at least is actually part of the same organism, whereas sticking three together like a lego train set clearly doesn’t work. Maybe the writers of this film were trying to be griity by creating a frightening abomination. All they succeeded in doing was making me angry by even remotely claiming that this is medically possible.

The actual “centipede” itself is totally stupid as the only talking part of it was a Japanese man of whom cannot speak English and just sounds like he’s on Takeshi’s Castle by shouting all the time. He’s also subtitled leaving us having more enjoyment in reading the subtitles, rather than having our eyes raped by the stupid imagery we’re being subjected to. They also have their knee ligaments severed so they have to crawl about on all fours, I presume to be like a centipede, instead creating a disgusting conga line of stupidity. The Japanese man is also annoying throughout as if the language barrier isn’t enough to grate on you for the rest of the film, the persistent crying and screaming gets a bit much. Yet granted given the scenario that crying and scream would be expected, but this film is basically the latter part of total angst being thrust in your face.

I think the other desperately stupid thing is that one the girls actually escapes the downstairs surgery and has the option of escaping outside and getting help, but instead gains sentiment and runs back in to try and save her friend. Not only does she never bother getting any kind of weapon, she also massively fails in her attempt. Personally I can’t stand film protagonists being so utterly pathetic that they are so inept that they cannot actually exit a door properly. Part of you wants to think they deserved it, but ultimately you the viewer should not have to tolerate this level of complete bollocks. You can argue that the mad german doctor is well cast because he looks manical, but that’s all he does. He shifts about like an awful Peter Lorre impersonator and his general lust for creation is nothing short of flat. The ending is about as fruitless as you’d expect which can be summated in a sentence. Everybody dies. The End. A total waste of time as the rear sequence dies from poisoning as you’d expect from having a diet of recycled shit, and the front end slits his own throat. What a shit ending. And I mean that with no pun intended.

Verdict

Human Centipede is totally not worth sitting through even out of sheer curiousity due its incredibly stupid storyline and over-zealous emphasis on eating shit. That alone should be enough to ward you from this film, as it clearly designed to shock and disgust, rather than actually make a good film. I have never had my life wasted to grossly before and this was basically a snuff movie revolving around eating poo and a horrific existence for three unlucky people at the hands of a mental german. This film is just disgusting. Save yourself, and never watch this movie. This is quite possibly, the worst movie I think I have ever seen.

Even though the second one has been banned here in the UK, the first shouldn’t have been made in the first place for being so sick and pointless.