Synyster Graves

“The Tenant Upstairs is a t**t”

by on Feb.09, 2011, under True Stories

I don’t know what it is with me but I seem to have been very unlucky with any neighbour living the flat above me. When I first moved in it was a nice couple, very friendly and approachable, all prerequisites for a nice neighbourhood. Next door and above next both very nice too. But they moved out about 4 weeks after I first moved in so I didn’t really get to know them.

You're supposed to use spanners, not live underneath one!

A few weeks passed of no-one being upstairs and then a new guy moved in. Me being me was welcoming until I actually spoke to him. Being blessed with the dialogue of a sponge cake, this guy had about as much to say as talking to a dead frog. I’m not expecting any kind of deep and meaningful conversation, it’s just occasionally conversing is friendly and nice, but me being not fluent in primordial grunts, I found him rather difficult to get along with. But here’s my pet peeve, I personally HATE people parking in MY PARKING SPACE. He’d often have his mates round and I’d come home from work to find I’d have to park down the road before I can go in and unwind after a hard day at work. Plus he’d always be up to “carnal activities” with the windows wide open. It’s not that I’m a pervert or anything, I don’t get off on sonic voyeurism, but when I’m taking out the rubbish, I didn’t expect to audibly enter a Channel 5 movie. Anyways after about 6 months he moved out and I only really noticed when his shitty Volkswagen Polo wasn’t around anymore.

The next guy in was a decent fellow, a down to earth Northern lad. I saw him unloading and gave him a hand. Nice guy, easy to talk to and very friendly. Must have been a bit of shit driver because there were usually smashed Toyota MR2′s strewn about the car parking but as they weren’t in my space, I didn’t give a shit. But in all fairness he was alright, bumped into him a few times down the local and had a few pints. “This is more like it I thought” as for the first time I had an upstairs neighbour I could get on with. Too goo d to be true? Yeah it was. I can’t really complain about him as if he’d have mates over and they play music I could hear it, it didn’t bother me at all because after all I live in flat, that’s what you expect. It’s like buying a rug from some pikeys and then complaining that it smells. But going back to him, great guy, got on well but just after he moved out rather suddenly I had a few people knock on the door enquiring about his whereabouts. Turns out he was a squatter and living there illegally. What’s more he was dealing in certain products. Can’t say I actually could smell it so I was totally unaware. Shame though, he was a decent bloke.

The girl upstairs literally whinged about EVERYTHING!

Then came a period of about 8 months with no one living there, was nice as I could actually park  outside my flat! Anyways, after then came a girl. Seemed friendly enough, again I helped her move in and stuff, did the usual neighbourly thing of asking if they need anything, just come knock and she was ok. Had a decent conversation seemed a nice girl. But that kinda dissolved very quickly, because have never met anyone who moans so bloody much! We’d be playing Rock Band at 8 at night and she came down, nearly bashed down my door demanding that we turn it off claiming that “some of us had to work tomorrow”. Bearing in mind that this was a SUNDAY and that I TOO HAVE TO WORK ON MONDAYS, she should have just been a bit more dignified about it rather than having a paddy on my doorstep. But seriously 8 o’clock? I accept that anything after 11 o’clock complies with the law but seriously 8? I thought I’d be mature about the situation and drop in a note apologising for the noise but ever since then she refused to talk to me. You know how people think they’re making a point by being silent. She also used to bang on the ceiling when I was just watching TV when I came home from work. I don’t like playing petty games and I’m not wasting my time on childish idiots.

Upstairs' boyfriend: pig faced wanker

Since she moved out I had another girl move in above me. Again very friendly and a lot more approachable than the previous grumpy bitch. Everything was fine until New Year’s Eve when again, I was having a few friends round, when the banging from upstairs was to keep the noise down. Seeing that we’re all in our twenties, I’d imagine that it’s pretty normal to still be awake just after 12 on New Year’s Eve. Being considerate we toned the noise right down only for the girl’s boyfriend to lean out the window and raise his middle finger to my mate who was quietly having a cigarette outside. I mean ok, we were being a tiny bit loud, but it was New Year! Expressing that level of maturity completely denegrades the integrity of their complaint. Ever since then this guy is obviously trying to wind me up by by parking irresponsibly across both bays and generally being an abusive cunt. Yes I said it, this guy is being a typical abrasive, laddish prick, as if it’s something to aspire to be. I suppose it’s not his fault his parents are brother and sister but either way there’s no excuse for behaving like a total prick. If he came down and conversed properly like an adult, then that would be fine. Instead he acts like a total tool and spends the whole time scowling at me as if someone has wiped dogshit on his face. While I’m choosing to rise above this puerile nonsense, mainly because the guy looks like the bastard lovechild of a breeze block and an artichoke. But he’s not even the tenant! It’s the girl who is. I at least own my flat! I don’t have a problem with her per se, it’s just that this guy is doing the architypal macho male thing which quite frankly I’ve always found to be totally pathetic. I can only assume that this guy has some kind of audibly induced erectile dysfunction which is why I can’t make any noise whatsoever.

In summation, I think it’s quite rare to get decent neighbours if you live in a flat. I accepted a long time ago that living in a flat, you would hear other people, but if everyone seems to strive to some kind of utopian silence, well I’m sorry I prefer to live in the real world. The majority of the neighbours who’ve lived above (with the exception of the Northern lad)  have wither been hypocritical, unreasonable or just down right retarded, and the current girl upstairs’ boyfriend is the icing on the cake of being the biggest nobhead to have lived near me, which is the genesis of this rant. But it comes down to my sheer intolerance of blokes who think acting “hard” impresses women. This is summed up in one word. Wanker.


3 Comments for this entry

  • Whyte Rabit

    I think people in general are just dicks, it’s human nature. I’ve only met 2 people in my village out here who I don’t like, and they both live next to us. One of them lives behind us, and the other lives across the square.

    The one behind us just generally grunts and ignores me every time I say hi. His wife is nice as pie, but there’s definitely something wrong with him in the IQ department.

    The second guy lives across the square. This is a parking infraction like you main gripe: Our square has parking for about 7 cars. There are 5 houses, and in one of those houses the owner doesn’t even have a car. So that’s 7 spaces for 4 households; loads of room, right? Incorrect. The neighbour across the way owns not 1, not, 2, not 3, not 4, but 5 vehicles! 3 cars and 2 vans.

    Out of the other houses in the square, the dick behind has 2 cars, we have 1, and the other house also has 1. So if the 5 car neighbour had any common sense he’d leave 4 spaces for the rest of us and we wouldn’t complain about him taking the other 3. But no, as soon as a space becomes available he zips a van or car into it leaving the rest of us to make a hike up the hill to park and walk back to our house. Inconsiderate knob.

  • Azazel Shadows

    I must be in the minority then of having great neighbours. We made a special point of introducing ourselves to the half circle of neighbours around us. We initally had an old couple who did complain a bit if they signed for a package for us whilst we were at work and then were irritated that it tooks us till 6pm to get back from work.

    We regularly are round the neighbours houses for drinks (more or less every Friday evening) or their round ours.

    I think we definately hit the neighbour pay dirt. May be the difference in a house compaired to a flat though.

  • fairfax_9

    very nice post, i certainly love, keep on it !!!!!

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