Synyster Graves

If you cant drive DON’T

by on Apr.13, 2011, under The World According to Ette

Driving a subject that can promote much anger, and I’m not surprised the roads are populated with many “drivers” with the intellect of a remedial snail. It’s hard to believe that these people have ever passed a test to be on the road, and looking at the age of some of them I’d say a significant number of them haven’t. So, as I’m in a helpful mood, here’s the Ette’s guide on how to drive.

The Basics

  1. Do you have a licence to drive a car, if the answer is no get your bmx out like a good little 14 year old.
  2. Tyres does your car have them? Yes? Good start. Now does your car have one per wheel? Great. Now, Tyres don’t last for life they need replacing, there’s a little device you can buy that measures your tyre treads to keep them nice and legal. Failing that take them to “kwik rip off ©” who will tell you they’re worn out/nearly worn out even though you bought them 2 weeks ago. And did you know there’s several life threatening problems with your car that will cost around £800 to fix? And to think you only stopped in to take a piss!
  3. Oil, does your car have enough? Tip; wipe the dipstick BEFORE you check the level.
  4. DO you have and MOT. Have you in the past 12 months paid a greased up monkey in smelly oily overalls somewhere in the region of £500 for things your pretty certain weren’t wrong with the car (usually including headlight alignment) Yes? Then you’re good to go


These things are not as tricky as you’d think!

  1. No one likes a middle lane hogger, if you’re not overtaking someone, or close to a junction without wanting to leave then the left hand lane should be ok… USE IT
  2. Driving up someone’s backside isn’t cool; it probably isn’t going to make them move faster. It is very bloody dangerous though. If you drive to close to the person in front and they can’t change lanes, going faster isn’t always an option for them. Did you ever think they might have someone in front of them? No? Revolutionary thought I know but there are other road users out there. What driving up someone’s backside will do is make them panic, drivers who are uncomfortable and panic make mistakes. Mistakes on a motorway mean pile ups, sinking in yet?
  3. The hard shoulder – this is for breakdowns and emergencies not for taking an emergency piss or for reversing down if you miss your junction.
  4. Lorries you NEVER belong anywhere apart from the left hand lane, or a rest stop. That’s it, that’s your lot, if you’d like another lane drive a car.
  5. If you’re tired pull into the next service station and buy a coffee, the price will soon wake you up.


So you’ve been driving for a while you’ve reached your destination it’s time to park. Do it properly!

  1. Bay parking is best done by backing in as the car is easier to manoeuvre. It’s also easier to back in than back out.
  2. When bay parking the two lines are there for a reason, stay in between them. Please note this isn’t a test to see how close to the edge of one of the lines you can get. The aim is to get in the middle of them.
  3. Don’t park were you shouldn’t, yes those bays for parents and sprogs are nicely situated at the front of the shop, but why be a cock? They’re bigger for a reason. Have you any idea how much of a pain in the ass it is to get a 10 month old in a car? And no, sending my husband alone isn’t an option. He’d buy everything that was on special offer and not much else, and I don’t do heavy lifting. If you park here without a child you’re a cock. Please note having the mental age of a 4 year old doesn’t count. Neither does taking your 14 year old to the supermarket.
  4. Disabled bays, they’re near the door for a reason. Have you any idea how difficult it is to manoeuvre a wheelchair? Especially somewhere like a hotel with nice pretty (but not practical) gravelly grounds? Here’s a clue it’s not. Disabled bays are also wider for a reason; people with limited mobility need the extra room. If you park here and you’re not disabled/carrying a disabled passenger you’re a cock. Please not being a self absorbed moron isn’t a disability it’s a liability, it doesn’t count.
  5. When parallel parking don’t park in such a way that there’s lots of room either side but slightly too little to fit another car in. Move up a bit you tool!

Whilst this isn’t a complete list, obeying these rules you’re less likely to be punched in the face by Ette.

Hope this helps!


2 Comments for this entry

  • Whyte Rabit

    I have an addition to your list: If you drive a bike, it’s YOUR duty to look out for and avoid cars, don’t drive like a dick and blame other drivers. 200 miles an hour is not an appropriate speed for country lanes, no matter how fun it might be.

  • The Ette

    Funnily enough Rabit, Bear and I live in quite a rural area and you would not believe the ammount of tools driving down VERY bendy roads at stupidMPH.

    As for motorcyclists we prefer to think of them as organ donors!

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