Synyster Graves

The First Cut is The Deepest…

by on May.20, 2010, under Emo Rants

Before you think this is an article condoning self harm its not. Self harming is not big or clever, much like a retarded dwarf, and it just seems like a good idea if you hate yourself. Seeing that it bloody HURTS, physical pain inflicted on yourself is never cool but that’s not what I wanted to talk about. Just had to get that out the way.

What I did want to talk about is the personal experience of when you actually fall for someone really hard and they just crush your feelings to a fine pulp. As far as I’m aware I’ve only fallen in this inexplicable sensation called Love once and that turned into one emotional aneurysm when that ended.

The events of this story go back to six years ago when I met a friend of my sister’s at a party and after I realised I quite liked this girl (and somehow it was reciprocated!) I decided to move my life back down South 250 miles to be with her. And to be honest it was great, we had a lot of fun and being the old romantic that I am, I got to do all the perks of the beginning of a relationship like taking them out, buying them flowers, surprising them, etc. Yeah I know it’s very cliche but it’s what I always wanted and for the first time in my life I was 100% happy. I mean I actually felt bulletproof for the first time in my life, nothing could stop me and I was invincible! I loved her with all my heart and all I thought about every waking minute was her. Suffice to say this did make me slightly foolhardy and reckless but knowing that she was my foundation, nothing else mattered. I’d never really appreciated how it felt to be wanted to stop the world for someone else and in truth I would have done anything for her. Granted I’m not the best at expressing that at times but growing up is a learning experience anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So yeah I was in this halcyon place and actually everything felt right, well that’s usually the point where everything will start to disintegrate.

She suggested that we go on a “break” while she was doing her A-Levels, kinda shit I thought because the whole notion of a “break” is bloody farcical. Being who I am, I didn’t want to step in the way of her doing the best she could so I reluctantly agreed. What I wasn’t expecting was the lack of contact subsequently, what I mean by that is when you go on a “break” with someone, you’re still technically with them right? Well seven weeks went by and I was missing her like crazy as every text and phone call was unreturned.

Then out of the blue I got a text saying that her and her friend were meeting up in town. Naturally I wanted to see her so badly so I jumped straight into the car and went to see her. What I was greeted to was her holding hands with another guy. And the worst part was that this guy was the complete opposite to me. He was camp, gangly and worst of all thought he was witty and funny. Plus he was obviously one of those trendy “modern” men who folly about in pink jumpers and flip-flops. Anyways she told me that she wanted to be single for university. Clearly that was bullshit because she was in the embrace of some other bloke. When I questioned as to why she was holding hands with him she replied they were very close. Seeing that I had been with her a year I thought this was bollocks as I’d never seen or heard of this guy. In that instant, my entire world had imploded.

I walked out of that pub with an overwhelming sense of numbness and almost Manga style the whole world around me became devoid of colour. I’d just lost the best thing in my life to another guy and the tsunami of emotions that followed sent me on a downward spiral. I’d changed. Natural reaction for me would be to throw him through the window and batter his face into a pulp. But I didn’t. Why? Yes part of me realised that it wasn’t just him who had assassinated my emotions but seeing that I don’t hit women that was the only “logical” hypothesis for me.

Two months of despair and an eating disorder later I’d started to heal. But I never stopped questioning why this had happened to me. I did write her a letter saying goodbye as from the pub venture I never got any kind of closure and I was left with a vacuous gap of where my life with her was now missing. A friend of mine did her the letter which took abotu 10 hours to write so I could tell exactly how I felt and how I was going to miss her. Instead of actually take on board with any sentiments I had said she just folded it up and put it away. When I was told that I realised that how little I actually meant to her, after all she was with Prince Fucking William now and someone like me just didn’t matter anymore.

But that was five years ago.

I’m over her now and it took a long time to do so but luckily I have friends which helped me through it and I was able to come to terms with it, hence I’m comfortable to talk abotu it now, which is why I’m telling you. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about her from time to time and I guess the only other thing which does still hurt is that five years down the line I think about her, not in the same capacity that I used to but I know that she hasn’t given me a thought since we broke up. For that reason I had to recover and get over her, and I did.

This is why I usually shut myself off from feeling emotions as after that saga I never wanted to feel so low again. Only recently have I started to feel for someone else but there’s always a sense that this is not reciprocated, so the motivation to put myself in that position again is a rather reluctant one.

Love does exist, don’t me wrong, I see it in friends and the ones who are married does affirm to me that such an entity is not totally mythological. So yes this story is over and ended five years ago, but I never forgot her and doubt I ever will. But every person I meet has a clean slate, I can’t be looking over my shoulder thinking they will afflict me in the same way, but that one poignant experience has shaped the way I am for the rest of mu life. And that is the most pronounced scar I will take until the day I die.

But I’m ok, I refused my life to be over just because my heart was in a million pieces. It’ll take more than that to keep me down. If she couldn’t appreciate me, someone else will. One day.

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