Synyster Graves

Irish Wench SpitRoast

by on Oct.24, 2011, under The Cook Book of Justice

You Will Need:

1 x Troublemaking Irish Catholic wench (preferably an ex IRA lovechild, their built up righteousness and practiced cocksucking during additional confessions (for being illegitimate) adds extra flavour and moisture to the meat)
1 x juicy red apple
2 x litres of corn oil (you’ll need about 1 litre per 2.5ft of wench, so if you have a particularly tall or fat one then you will need to increase this part accordingly – however, having said that, thanks to the widespread imbreeding and originally small gene pool they all tend to be very similar in every way).
1 x Bottle of Irish Whisky
1 x Box of Lucky Charms cereal
1 x Medieval Spitroast
1 x large pile of wood (fruit tree logs are the most flavourable)
1 x Jerry can of petrol (renowned Irish lighting fluid)
Salt and pepper to season accordingly


First things first, you want a roasting hot fire that’s going to last and keep your spit piping hot throughout the cooking process (your wench is a big girl no matter how short or yappy she comes across when you collect her). So get your fire going early, stack your wood wide and high and dowse with a good dose of the petrol. If unsure of if you have put on enough wood or petrol on your heap, check in with your pikey wench, they know instinctively how to cause a good fire that can kill.

Once lit and while waiting for your fire to heat up, you can keep your wench fresh and quiet by providing her with a bottle of whisky (make sure it’s Irish or you’ll have to listen to yet more yapping), a tube with a funnel attached to the end, the box of Lucky Charms and a DVD of Riverdance (this never fails to keep a pikey wench busy and out the way till the main event). While your wench is self marinating, you will want to get all your roasting equipment and seasoning ready and place it outside close to hand for when you begin the cooking.

By the time you have gathered your equipment , oil and seasonings you will find your wench very agreeable and partial to anything, this is the time you need to get her on the spit. Now from previous experience, the quickest and easiest way to get the meat on the spit is to involve money (we all know what pikeys are like with their money), so simply bet your wench 20p that she can sit on the spit, before you can finish your sentence you will turn round to find that your Catholic wench is impaled and actually basting herself ready to be lifted onto the spit for roasting.

Having sprinkled the wench with salt and pepper, you will find your wench is in a blissful sleep and cooking nicely. Leave for 5-6 hours per stone of meat, stoking the fire regularly and ensuring your turn the wench regularly to ensure even and good cooking. Once the meat is falling from the bone or a good crackling has formed (usually around the ham region) your wench is ready to be served.


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