Synyster Graves

Canned Middle Aged Man Recipe

by on Aug.23, 2011, under The Cook Book of Justice

You Will Need:

1 x Middle Aged Man
1 x Length of Midlife Crisis
1 x Jar
1 x Label
250g of Fail

Instructions:

Take one sexually frustrated middle aged man who never really achieved anything in life and marinade lightly with a drizzle of ‘wanna be rich quickness’, a pinch of resentment towards his sour faced trout of a wife and a dash of total lack of original vision. Leave to marinade in a cold lifeless marriage for 20 years.

Once marinated, remove the middle aged man from the lifeless marriage, apply a small lump sum of voluntary redundancy and truss him with an excessive length of midlife crisis. Once fully and securely trussed, place your middle aged man in a deep sided roasting dish on a bed of mixed expenses, outgoings, estranged children, mistresses, sports car payments and place in an unbearably hot oven (around 220 degrees centigrade should do it). Leave for 30 minutes, or for long enough for a good crust of indignation to form over your middle aged man, then turn the oven down to a lower simmering temperature (around 175 degrees centigrade) and leave your middle aged man to stew and sweat down with the realisation that actually, his small lump sum from redundancy is all but gone, the ex-wife was right (the mistress only wanted him for his money) and his chances of getting a new job are a million to one.

After 3 to 4 hours of simmering (and desperate phone calls to lifelong friends and acquaintances), you should find your middle aged man is beginning to breakdown and is in the throws of blue sky thinking with a touch of ‘plagiarism is ok when it’s not your work’. Now this is where the gastronomy really takes off, remove your middle aged man from the oven and place on a low heat hob. Remove the middle aged man from his bed of outgoings and place on a warm plate to rest, during this resting period (usually a weekend in length), you will find the trussing has loosened somewhat and the middle aged man has managed to find funds he never knew he had, the drive his ex-wife and kids drained from him, a ‘totally new’ internet business idea (usually a Facebook clone or Rightmove property portal website) and is ready to begin the next big thing on the net.

This stage of the cooking is what I like to call the preserving process, reduce the outgoings in the roasting dish so that all is left is a thick sticky jus of estrange kids and Travellodge room payments and place on one side to apply later. Now return your attention to the middle aged man, you will find that he is now well rested and cooled enough to be potted up and labelled. Place your middle aged man in a suitably sized jar, drizzle over the pre-prepared jus of estranged kids and Travellodge payments and seal the jar. Be sure to label your middle aged man appropriately; I find a good clear label such as ‘Wedding Car Dick’ or ‘Cocksucker Villas’ works well and serves as a reminder of when they were prepared.

After a few weeks you’ll find that the ‘totally new’ business idea is all but a distant dream, the desperation and realisation of the mid-life crisis has all but returned and your middle aged man is suitably prepared to be served to you on a bed of excuses as to why he can’t pay for the work he insisted you rushed through for him.

Bon Appetit!

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