Synyster Graves

Boiled Polish Slag Recipe

by on Mar.02, 2012, under The Cook Book of Justice

You Will Need:
1 x Limp greasy haired, badger-arsed face jumped up Polish slag (the type you find in dingy pubs wearing white lace body stockings and white stiletto heels on a Friday night dancing badly with a bottle of WKD blue in hand).
1 x Meat tenderising mallet.
1 x Bottle of Vodka (large).
1 x International phone card (the one that lets you phone Europe for 1p a minute).
1 x Pressure washer (any type used for cleaning cars is fine).
1 x Can of Pedigree Chum.
1x Cabbage (large).


Now I don’t usually dedicate recipes, but this one is particularly close to my heart and I just felt I had to dedicate it to all those jumped up Polish slags who think they’ve finally made it because they have managed to get a job (granted, still shitty) that for once isn’t cleaning toilets or whoring their arseholes out every night.


Firstly, take a large pan and half fill with water then place the pan on the hob to begin simmering. Don’t worry about adding any herbs or flavourings as this dish will not be fit for normal human consumption.

Like all forms of cheap meat, the key to making the dish edible is to cook, cook and cook some more! As this particular type of meat is so cheap and low grade, it’s vital that you set aside at least 24hrs of simmering.

To prepare your Polish slag, take her by her statutory slapped back limp and greasy ponytail and pressure wash. The use of the pressure washer is vital in this case as more often than not you will find your standard Polish slag enjoys wallowing in her own filth and therefore will avoid washing as much as possible. Once you are satisfied that all filth has been removed (you can usually see this quite clearly with a change in skin colour), then it’s time to start tenderising the meat.

Taking your meat mallet, work your way up from the ankles of your Polish slag (making sure you use good sharp taps). To keep the slag co-operative during this tenderisation, take the international phone card and throw it into the now simmering pot of water, you will quickly find the Polish slag not only encourages you to speed up with the tenderisation but also happily jumps into the pot in search of this card. Once in, seal the lid on the pan tightly and leave to simmer.

Now this step of the recipe is vital, make sure that every few hours you check in on your simmering pot. Don’t open the lid as you will risk tainting and staining the air quality of your kitchen for many weeks. Instead just bang round the sides of the pan and then pour yourself a double shot of vodka. Before downing each vodka shot ensure that you loudly toast your Polish slag by using alternate phrases of either “glupia malpa” or (my particular favourite) “Spierdalaj ty kurwo!”.

After 24hrs have passed, carry the pan into your garden and tether it to your fence using some form of bike lock or chain. Once secured, remove the lid and pour in the tin of Pedigree Chum (this will help enhance the flavour of the dish). When it’s all mixed thoroughly, garnish with the cabbage (whole is fine as there is no such thing as fine dining in Poland). Then make a hasty retreat to your house (ensuring you have locked and bolted all the doors and windows and watch as you feed all the local infestation of Polish migrant workers.


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