Synyster Graves

FIFA Finally Lose the Plot

by on Dec.07, 2010, under International Football

I’ve said for many years now and finally it’s happened, FIFA have completely lost the plot. As an England fan it would be churlish of me to react badly on impluse as it can be perceived as sour grapes but I feel we can be proud of the effort that David Beckham, Prince William and David Cameron put in along with all the staff bidding for the World Cup. The presentations were fantastic, eloquent and well presented. The information provided showed that we as a country could stage a great tournament, in fact we have the stadia in place already and we could feasibily host it now! But you’re forgetting one thing…Sepp Blatter hates England. I don’t know if he ate a scone once and didn’t like it, or couldn’t get a refund on his bowler hat but that guy always stitches England up, which is why in the beginning I don’t know why we’d bother bidding. We knew as long as that fat prick is in charge we had no chance to survive. Everything FIFA do is a fix and it’s been like this for a very long time.

What's the point in voting? Blatter's made his mind up.

The feedback from all the evidence was head and shoulders above the other candidates as we had the best technical presentation, the best financial structure and by far the best legacy in terms of European football. Oh and that we have the best league in the world, which is watched and followed more closely than the other top flight leagues. Even Blep Splatter “welcomed a bid from the home of football”.

From the feedback England received we had impressed the members of FIFA and we looked in good stead for having an excellent case for hosting the World Cup, something which I’ve been looking forward to in my lifetime. Even if I didn’t see and England game, just being at a World Cup match would be fantastic.

But in typical English fashion, it was destined to go wrong. BBC’s Panorama decided to air a controversial slice of investigative journalism by having it’s focus on the FIFA delegates taking bribes for votes to host the world cup. Personally I think this was fucking stupid as the British media’s interference could influence the FIFA voters to look rather negatively upon England’s World Cup bid. Naturally, these bastard investigative reporters don’t care about things like that, such as all the hopes and dreams of the nation and would rather flash their stupid fucking program about. For this reason, I believe Panorama set us up the bomb to a degree.

But I can’t solely blame that. FIFA is corrupt as committees get and all seem to operate on backhanders and other illicit shenanigans but what’s new? We all know this. It’s hardly a ground breaking revelation. What was glaringly apparent is that FIFA’s two selections for the World Cup in 2018 and 2022 were not for football reasons at all.

Russia has fantastic facilities in place for the World Cup

Russia was chosen for 2018 and Qatar chosen for 2022. Russia seemed to have a rather lacklustre attitude towards the whole thing, almost as if they knew they were going to win. Vladimir Putin didn’t even turn up for a start. We have our Prime Minister giving a presentation for this and yet the winning country didn’t even see fit for their Prime Minister/Tzar to even turn up. It’s that level of complacency which got alarm bells ringing. Plus the fact that Russia is a bloody warzone in a tundra climate. Did FIFA forget about Chechnya? Of course they overlooked that, because Blatter wanted Russia to win it, but I’ll get that in a minute.

Russia now have a race against time to build 4 or 5 more stadia in order to harbour such an event as quite frankly their Premier Division teams don’t have the stadia which could accommodate such an event. Plus Russia play on a plastic pitch was England found out that Russia have distinct home advantages which has always gone totally unnoticed by FIFA, but at the end of the day, it’s fucking cheating! Russia also has no social infrastructure and could not host a tournament to the FIFA standard and FIFA fucking know it.

Qatar's playing surface is ideal for a World Cup

Qatar on the other hand will have to build about 4 or 5 new cities. Um what!?! You have to build more CITIES!?! How the fuck can you feasibly host a tournment if you have demographically restructure the entire country? It’s a total joke. Plus I know a lot about football, can I name a single Qatari player past or present? No! Because they have no footballing legacy whatsoever. It’s purely for money. Plus World Cup events occur during June/July so imagine the playing conditions of that? There will be billions of dollars spent on air conditioning alone making that a completely negligent bid in my opinion. Certainly with all this drive on carbon footprints and environmental emissions, hosting an event in an equatorial climate whereby you’ll have to reduce the entire country in effect to inhabital temperature is beyond contemplation. I can’t understand how that would pass a financial check from FIFA knowing full well that building and entire country from scratch just to host a month long tournament is probably a short sighted and cost ineffective venture.

Both countries are completely unsuitable to host such an event which to the average onlooker is obvious but not to FIFA, so why? It can’t escape the fact that Sepp Blatter is trying to portray the modicum of bringing football over the world. Obviously to achieve that he’s brought it to a warzone and a desert. Brilliant Herr Blatter, just brilliant. He has been kissing his own arse all the time since bringing South Africa the world cup saying that you can bring a world cup to a third world country. But since FIFA’s world cups operate on a rotational basis through the continents, what other country in Africa is developed? No matter what fucking country got the 2010 world cup, they would not be a developed country. That’s GCSE geography for fuck sake!

At the end of the day, Blatter wanted it to go to Russia and Qatar, the whole voting process was just the pomp and circumstance for masking the fact that the decision was made months ago. Why? Russia is a war torn eastern european country and Qatar is in the Middle East, famous for the Taliban, stoning women to death for accidently looking erotic under camouflage netting and Manchester City. But its because these regions have never hosted a world cup before. Why? Because they’re totally unsuitable. Blatter wants his Nobel Peace Prize. It’s all about personal gain for that fat prick and it’s as clear as day that the FIFA delegates didn’t really have a vote which was allegedly bought, Blatter had made his mind up ages ago. This was just for show. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, FIFA will never throw straight dice as long as that corrupt cunt Blatter is still at the helm.

I can't wait for Somalia 2026, but I don't think the crowds will shout "shoot!" so much...

So in summation, I’m looking forward to future world cups in North Korea, Afghanistan, Somalia and the Papua New Guinea; where we can enjoy a World Cup with the backdrop of a despotic regime with nuclear warheads, the Taliban, famine/pirates, and tribal cannibals respectively. Because that’s what FIFA are about, bringing football to all the corners of the world, regardless whether they know what a football is/try to eat it. (I would like to hear Bear’s opinon on this because he’s more learned than I and could probably highlight a more different angle to my disgust of giving world cups to shit countries). In all fairness, if they wanted a warzone World Cup, Portsmouth could bid for one themselves. I guess the only way England will get a World Cup is if it’s staged in the Falkland Islands once we’ve parked a few aircraft carriers near Argentina.

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2 Comments for this entry

  • The Bear

    Right (cracks knuckles):

    The Bear walked into the woods today and saw a vision of the future, specifically, the events surrounding the World Cups.

    In the future, Septic Blatter continues on his mission to bring football to new corners of the globe.

    2026

    Vietnam plays host. The wet rice fields provide cheap food at stadia which are in reality, refurbished ping-pong halls. A group of women pledging to ‘love you long time’ provide the entertainment. Teams travel on giant vespas whilst strafing Viet Cong bullets. Controversey surrounds the qualifying when a reluctant USA side lose to Honduras, Jamaica and Cuba and fail to qualify.

    2030

    Blatter takes FIFA’s show piece event to Micronesia – state consisting of 600 islands in the Pacific…most of them too small to hold a stadium. Fans swim between games. Fan areas are set up in a huge open space called the sea. The hosts – all fishermen by trade – are eliminated without scoring a goal and losing every match by at least ten goals.

    2034

    Rwanda

    The hosts team consist of native Tootsies – all Hutus have been murdered. The World Cup costs the same to stage as it did in 1938…without adjusting for inflation. This is due to the stadia being made of mud and the all new ball being a mellon filled with rocks.

    2038

    Blatter’s proudest ahievement sees the only continent still to host the World Cup put on a show to remember: Antarctica! The home side is cobbled together from whichever cast members of the Big Bang Theory were on site. Pitch invasions by penguins are frequent and England are expelled for the behaviour of their fans who pelt the Germans with snowballs. Travel between matches is by skiing and avalanches and supporters complain about the poor quality igloos.

  • The Ette

    Bear, worryingly this could happen.

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